Come together now.

There's always time for something new.
It's never too late to change your mind.
You can re-invent as often as you please.
Experience and insight are precious.

With naught but a cent to my name, but a full tank of petrol, Marc announced that today he was taking me on an adventure. A drive-by recount of places and memories of his childhood I'd not known about before, eating caramel crowns, and singing formed the trip there, and by noon we were at Lesmurdie falls. Or at least, in a carpark with numerous dirt trails promising to take us there. We couldn't decide if it was a stream, a creek, or a brook, but we parked next to the gurgling cascade of water anyway, and after a journey following it's bends and turns through thick foliage and rocky outcrops, we came to a giant red and black stone wall with water tumbling down. It was beautiful.
Our wanderlust pushed us closer and closer to the spectacle, until we were so close that tiny drops from the waterfall splattered our glasses and hair. The sun beat down upon us, and it seemed only natural to lose our shoes and dare to cross the slippery stone to reach out under the falling water. Our clothes were soaked and we fell enough, but I was so grateful for something different to do on a Sunday. It didn't matter that I was covered in mud and cold the whole way home; what mattered was that I'd laughed and played and taken a chance.

For this, and other reasons, things are coming together again for me.
I've recently been cast in a musical that I've loved for a long time.
My new job begins tomorrow - better people, better pay, better company, better position.
And the decision that I am getting more excited about the nearer I get - uni next year for journalism, public relations and marketing.

It's all these things that make up a new chapter.
Indeed, it's all these things that make a life.
Nothing without experience, nothing without insight.
Everything from within.

Morality and oneself.

On average, I lose myself twice a year.
I'm getting better, but even so, there are times when I forget where I am going and the person I'm striving to be. I'll always know who I am fundamentally, but sometimes I find myself changing in a way that does not fit the path I envisaged, making choices that I won't be proud of in the future.

In this instance, my loss has spanned over some recent months. I'm not sure where it began exactly, but my displacement has cost me much and given me little. And it's time to stop.
Maybe it occurred as a result of too much happening around me, I don't know. Too much pressure, too much responsibility, too many expectations beating down on me.

My greatest downfall is others. I am so consumed with trying to keep other people happy that I never actually manage to. I always seem to be faced with two choices, and neither ever lead to favourable outcomes. Why is this? Is it because I put myself in situations that I can't possibly win? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my relationships, and, indeed, my own happiness? The thing is, the way I am going is the only way I know. How can one compete with that?

I can't run back through the trail of the past and take the other fork in the road. Sometimes I wish I could, but then I wonder if I'd just take the same route over and over again, given my chance. Maybe I can't avoid disappointing and hurting others when I'm lost.
It doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I am sorry. So sorry.
And to myself - I'll start getting better now.
I'll start re-defining and exploring once again. I'll carve out happiness in my own way, and be genuinely proud of my accomplishments. I'll be what I can to everyone around me, and love him with all of my heart, to be as cliched as possible.

Sometimes I worry how close I am to the edge.
But I'll always stop myself when my feet knock some stray pebbles over.
I need to know what's going to happen next; good or bad.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I'm still here.

The Break-up.

The breakup is so imminent that I am already planning the words I'll use.
So close that I already have that giddy feeling in my stomach. The bad kind - terror and uncertainty uncoiling slimy tentacles, writhing, seething.
So close that only hours mark the separation.

And it's in this moment, where I'm nearly upon the point of no return, that I wonder if I'm just in my decision. I've taken all but a few steps in my quest to combat that which has affected me so much, and yet now a strange contentment, could you even say happiness, has washed over me...
A newfound affection has instilled itself over the bitter resentment and hopelessness that have evaded my judgement. Judgement which I wouldn't trust anyway. Maybe it's just the knowledge that I'll soon be free, leaving behind thought-spun shackles and leashes.
Maybe I just romanticise anything I can.

I'm sorry I lead you on.
I'm sorry I made you think this was something that would last.
I'm sorry I didn't know myself better than to tell you you're perfect for me.
Because you're not.

I tried to make it work.
I put my very soul in. I let you wrap me in a straightjacket and fasten the clasps using my hands. Yes, it was I that let it happen.
And now it is the same 'I' that will cut me loose.

Certainty is a beautiful thing.
It is a promise that my self won't buckle under the looming cloud.
So I'll keep my wits about me, when I tell you it's over. Maybe I'll mock regret and gratitude. Or maybe it'll be real.

I am grateful.
You showed me that there's something better in life for me to strive for.
You showed me where my strengths lie... and what my true faults are.
You showed me how I can be controlled, how I hate to be controlled.
And I thank you for that.

I don't want you anymore.
I'm leaving you.
In the nicest way possible - "goodbye".

Songs for my now.

Yes, I know it's cliched and trite, but music has been inspiring me lately in phenonmenal ways.
It's been the same songs on repeat for the past while, melodies and lyrics which have drawn inspiration and emotion from within me and given me a sense of clarity. I'm sure you won't feel the same about these pieces that I do, but I'll attempt to offer a glimpse of the amazing, or at least, what I can see.

Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever,
So we can stay like this forever"
"You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love."

My place, my age. Reckless youth and naiive love.

November by Azure Ray
"I was afraid to be alone.
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be.."
"So many lifeless empty hands,
So many hearts in great demand."

Push away the world, live in a cave. It's november, and it's ok to be lonely.

A Hundred Challenging Things a Boy Can Do by Darren Hayes
"You've waved goodbye and held more tears in than anyone ever should.
And all my sorrows pale to insignificance.
That's why I love you."

Our struggles in life will be muted by greater suffering, somewhere else, closer than you know it.

Alright by Kinnie Starr
"Is it alright for me to feel this way?
Put my head in your lap
The world will go away"
"Your mind leads my mind to a world more beautiful.."

We'll journey somewhere only we can share, and in that Utopia we'll be complete.
It's so right.

Falter then fall.

Just pretend like it never happened.
Just raise the china to your lips, take a sip.
Just feel it scald your throat with purpose, but it's ok, because there's painted flowers on the rim.
Just remember that beauty's there through the banal.
Just know that you were there, though the picture in your mind is all that's tangible.
Just savour the roughness of the wall when you throw yourself upon it, howling silently.
Just realise that the well dried up - please find a new way to vent if you can.
Just blind yourself whichever way you can, and for a moment it's all simple and you can even smile.
Just imagine that foot-wide balcony over the lights and cranes.
Just decide how you'll end it, what's at stake, and what's to gain.
Just let the outline of a metal circle fall onto the pavement nine storeys below, wait for the gentle cling that you know will happen but you can't hear.
Just walk away.
Just leave the emotion and words behind.

Just don't pretend it never happened.
Just acknowledge that you're nothing without experience.
Just be.

Eventually upon a time.

A snapshot of the future written by the boy who knows me best (and loves me most).


"One day I’d like to live in a 2 storey house with you with a white picket fence and a sun room.

There’d be a small entrance hall with flowers and some lovely carpets, a cosy sitting room with bookshelves and buffet hutches galore. There’d be thick curtains tied back and a lovely wood paneled dinning room down the hall, and in the hall would of course be a sideboard..

We’d have a four poster bed in our bedroom, and a bathroom upstairs as well as down. There’d be storage under the stairs we’d use as a cubby, and lovely light fittings throughout.

We’ll have a lovely cottage garden with vines up the fences and flowers everywhere. There’d be butterflies and a pond, and fresh smells to flow into the kitchen and dining room. And the cats would play in the yard on their long leads."


Bliss.

Graduation.

We sat at the back of the hall at old wooden tables pre-chosen for us, a buzz of excitement (or was it mitigation?)gently hovering above seated lines of the "future minds of tomorrow", or whatever they were about to tell us.
We were smiling, we were remarking over each other's dresses, we were posing for photos, and it was all so promising. Our destiny's awaited, but besides that, we were completely naiive.

This was 2 years ago. Yes, two years have passed. And I think of this day because tonight I'll be there again, but it won't be me sitting at the desk in the room behind the hall this time.
No, I'll be a spectator, and my sister will be the spectacle. I wish I knew how to tell her that everything she knows is about to change. I wish I could say that things will be ok, and everything that she's hoped will come true.

But I can't. No one experiences the same, do they? So while, in these two years, my world has been turned upside down and back again ten-fold, I can't know for sure that the same will happen for her. Maybe it will really go the way she's always wanted, and the path will always be clear and straight. Though personally, I wouldn't change any of the experiences in my time since for the world.

I felt so numb that day. Yes, I was smiling and sharing in the celebration, but underneath it all meant nothing. "This Year" by The Mountain Goats played as everyone skipped out of the echoing hall, marking the end of an era and the start of a new life. Why didn't I feel anything? Why was it only in the time after that I've mourned my old, familiar world, wished I could drift out of my responsibilities back to a time when feeling content was effortless.

I do miss those young smiling faces. Some have moved away, some have drifted away, some were never really there, some revealed their true selves. It doesn't change the time we had when we were together though. Sometimes I dream that we could all be again, but then I remember that it only fit momentarily; we were never meant to be anything substantial.

Time flies; people change. You grow, you emote, you de-sensitise, you wake.

Tonight I'll sit there, watching while they step up to the stage to receive they're navy sashes, patient and proud. I know what their poised on, but I won't share that knowledge. It's for you to learn, for you to experience; no one but fate knows your path.
So all I'll say is - welcome to the world.

Dear Blog.

Dear Blog,

It's been a while since I've written. I've wanted to, every day. But distraction has kept me away time and again, life leading me by a leash which I can only choose to follow. I've missed the clarity and fulfillment that you give me.
So now I am choosing to use you more often - a means of escape, a conscience, a silver beacon, a canvas, a space to mess up and amalgamate the curios of my mind.
I'll write to you every day, if I can. I'll let myself. Or force myself.

It's only been recent, but I've taken to carry a plank-paged notebook with me everywhere I go. My book of hearts, eventually it'll be filled with that which inspires me and challenges my thoughts, or just simple little collections of words that spill out without thought. Clippings, hand-drawn works, poems and more will adorn the crisp pages, and then maybe I'll feel like something has been created.

Anyway, it is here I begin a new chapter, a new means of documentation, a new cycle that needs to last.
It's here we'll journey into the unseen and unfathomed, and I'll record it in the way I can.

Thankyou for being to me exactly what I needed. And need.
Yours,
Jessie.

Colloquial.

Jessie, Jessie -
What do you see?
Staring into time and space, bemused by thought and place?
How deep are the canyons of your mind?
How do your cloth sails billow when put upon the wind?

Jessie, Jessie -
You're an idiom, a mere figure of speech.
A sugar high, hit and miss, out of reach.
Words fall off your silent tongue, escaping before they can be caught.
Like butterflies fleeing from a net.

Jessie, Jessie -
A poetic jumble isn't enough.
You're not delving, you're shelving; thoughts tucked away in canopic jars.
Answer your questions. And then question your answers.
After all,
The spark must be lit at some point, somewhere.

I lust to wander.

How should I live my life?
There's part of me that would just like to float on an electricity-infused breeze, letting it sweep me away like the wanton needles of an old dandelion. But there's another part of me that wants to take control of my fate, grabbing life by it's collar and leaving nothing to chance. I'd like to settle for a happy medium between the two, I think.

We put too much pressure on ourselves to try conceive a "grand plan" for the rest of our lives. I'm old enough, or at least experienced enough, to know that minds change like the hands on a clock, and we can't force ourselves to make a choice about something that can affect us so greatly. At the same time though, I am finding myself thinking - "What am I doing", "Where am I going?", "What do I want out of life?"

I desperately want to pack up my vintage suitcases and journey into an unknown environment to live for a while... I'd rather not be tame and go for somewhere on the other side of the country to drop them, instead, I'd find a city that tantalises me and grabs my heart. For now, I am considering Paris. Ideally, I'd teach English while I learnt French, and ride an old bike around, with a beret on my head and a bread stick peeping out of the basket.
I guess I firstly need to go on somewhat of a reconnaissance mission to see what places take my fancy. London, Paris, Reykjavik, Cairo, Rome, Istanbul, Port Louis - tasting and experiencing and learning my way through some of the most intriguing cities of the world.

I also had an idea that I'd like to follow through with sometime in my life, though not just yet. I'd like to write a series of kitsch travel guides for different places all over the word - think Lonely Planet with a funkier and more selective approach. It would take years of trawling through the streets of foreign destinations, and penning my findings in a unique style, but I believe I can (and want to) do it.

This goes hand in hand with my time-forged desire to be a writer. I just don't know where to start. Already having abandoned any idea of possibly going back to uni, I need to find an avenue to enter the world of the written word, to eventually work in a quasi-journalistic position (think magazing columnist or travel writer).

While I don't want to force myself into making too many decisions too fast, I also want to live my life the way I want. Learn to ride that breeze, instead of just letting it sweep me away. Challenge myself again and again, and never rest or simply be umtimately content.

I want You to come with me. I'll wait for You.
A case of wanderlust wouldn't be anything without my partner in crime.

Idle mind no more.

I am not blogging anywhere near as much as I used to.
It's a complicated reason why, really; it goes beyond simply being "too busy".
Well, the amalgamation of reasons does begin there I guess.

My job has granted me an amazing opportunity to come into my own, in a role where I can shine and prove myself to the best of my abilities. But, this does take quite a toll on the rest of my life. It's exhausting and mind-blowing, and at the end of another day all I really want to do is just climb between my sheets with a book and let my reality take a rest. But I don't do that. I just continue to meander my way through the day, albeit in a slightly stunted fashion. I know that in time, my routine at work will settle more, and I'll start to feel at ease, but for now, there are always a buzz of little to-dos running through my concious mind.

Then theres the gym. Catching up with friends. Seeing family. Travel for business and leisure. Moving house. Running errands. Singing lessons. A trip to Ikea. More and more little things - and my time is gone and my mind is tired.

I also think differently about life to an extent too. I was happy having a void inside me for the last few months. It allowed me to get inside myself, and explore who I am, what I desire and what I want to compromise my life. Once that void was filled though, I began finding it a lot harder to communicate with myself, and get my thoughts into something more tangible than a flurry of perception only I could know. But, as He said, I need to find a way to express myself now that the lonely space within me is gone. I worry I'd sound like a broken record: happy, in love, happy, in love etc.

Whats wrong with that?

Maybe it's just about getting myself back into that mindset. Setting aside what is, and letting dreams take over. Setting aside time to get in touch with myself, and go on an adventure with tangents and truth.
It is my mind after all. If I don't hone it, I may well lose it.
So I'll dream away...

i am alice.

time is such a fantastic thing, isn't it?
i just opened my eyes, and it was august.
are the days moving faster, or is it just me?
recent memories occurred weeks ago.
will i oneday wake up, and it will all be over?
it won't stop, that world that spins on it's axis.
does this grand show mean anything, really?
bow and courtsey, the empty theatre applauds.
can love save you, ultimately and completely?
i found myself. then love found her.
tell me, what's behind that little wooden door?
turn the handle, it's the only way to know.

fall down the rabbit hole, past broken furniture and creatures unknown.
peer at the world through the looking glass, but don't forget to live on the other side.
savour all you see, feel with every sense. run around the corner with your eyes closed.

it's wonderland. and it's all i need to know.

of roofs, roses, and rain.

he picked me a rose at midnight. it sits here still, withered and dry; curled petals as i click away at the keys. the dewy buds, now preserved, nod in my direction, held within glass and water. dark crimson remnants floating idly on the surface next to the magnified stem. it wasn't given up easily - a war was waged with thorns and leaves while i stood cloaked under the umbrella in the teasing rain. you captured the rose, and in a gallant motion you bestowed it unto me.

i met him on the roof. did i ever know him before? he didn't know me. we are all versions of old selves, but when perceptions and dreams change, so do we. dense sky, few stars, wisps of clouds - we considered the view from the corrugated iron, just behind the chimney. blow smoke in my ear. blow smoke in my eyes. blow smoke on my lips... your lips, like vanilla and lemonade, missed me.

speak of dreams. speak of perceptions. change. he loves me again, but i never stopped loving him. i didn't want to be with him until that moment. tell me you long for me, tell me you think of me - no, tell me nothing at all. it's only now, it's only new. my breath caught in my chest as we ambled across the pavement, wrapped in arms and walking in step. frosty air escapes from our mouths in excited shivers. a jetty, a black river, a solitary swan. an embrace in the night.

time never happened. we discovered each other; it was different. worlds away from what was, where what could be would reign. i crept into the corners of your mind and found a place to be kept, a place to keep you. love re-made is as precious as it comes - rare and sparkling, a diamond cut with precision and care. fated souls, destined pairs? i only know roofs, roses, and rain. knots deep within and starry gazes. tangible feeling and streaming thoughts. and in these things, i know. nothing will ever be as perfect.

writer's block.

block.
blocked.
close.
closed.
unblock me.
open me.
thought. thought?
what of this?
jittery legs.
dry hands.
mind wanders...
journey.
journeyed.
far away land.
but only just.

tangle me, love.

i am so in love.
that is all i can really say right now.
everything i am seeing, thinking and most of all *feeling* is getting caught up somewhere inside, so that i cannot manipulate anything into words.
time, time.



^^

connect...ions

there are some people who look wonderful and perfect on paper, but you just don't feel "that" with.
and you think you're crazy for feeling wrong with someone who should be right.
then there are the people who are clearly flawed that you connect with, and things "fit".
and they'll show you the time of your life, or they may just break you.
why?

feeding the thought.

lately, i've been looking to literature to stimulate my inquisitive mind.
i love being swept away into another time and place, and i do believe that this transportation is going to help me become a better writer in turn.
in the past few weeks, i have immersed myself in the pages of the catcher in the rye by j. d. salinger and breakfast at tiffany's by truman capote.
next to capture me will be the picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde, which i'll begin on the bus ride home.
furthermore, i have recently aquired the outsider by albert camus, and animal farm by george orwell - both of which will soon follow wilde. i also plan to re-visit the little prince by antoine de saint exupery, and hopefully i'll feel all the magic i felt when i first read it once more. in addition, today i bought the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald again, which i had stupidly sold after i was finished with it in english lit, and then sorely missed as a consequence.

i've adopted someone i know's habit of feeling an extreme need to buy every book i read, but i enjoy watching my collection grow.
i am getting a little excited about the prospect of all these new ideas streaming into my thoughts as i scan through chapter and verse.

^^ eep.

where time falls apart.

paper planes carry messages of love in their folded wings while journeying across hidden spaces.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

blackbirds perch on power lines, remarking over the plain pidgeons, whose feathers will never shine like midnight.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

sand slips through the hour glass, as it is spun around again and again, marking moments as fickle as feeling.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

silly people muse over art and literature to feel 'cultured', oblivious to back happenings of the dark places that lie behind. they don't even understand what they speak of.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

a pond riddled with secrets has it's silence broken by a wooden sailing boat un-seaming the dark waters.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

men with false smiles glide their partners around to liquid jazz emanating from an antique gramaphone, a relic of the past with a dose of paradox.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

romeo and juliet get lost, distracted, lead away; they never knew the other existed. the stars uncrossed themselves and fate forgot, it seemed.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

the camouflaged faceless jump into burning deserts of war-torn lands, to silence screams and dash dreams.
and i'm still here. and you're still there.

time passes and i wonder where it went.
the sun always remembers its' que, and winter can't be stopped.
i'm all thats changed.

and i'm still here. and you're still there. i'm here, you're there. i'm there, all the way over there. where are you?

she feels and he feels. both feeling in distances that can't be measured. far, far away, they feel.
here.there.almost.together.

soap operas and comas.

somewhat of a snippet from a few recent conversations:

them: how are you?
me: good.

them: how are you?
me: ok.

them: how are you?
me: i don't know

its so often i'm asked that question, and i never what to say. usually i reply with something that means nothing, something ambiguous and blase. i mean really, how can i condense everything i feel, think, and do in a day into a few choice words? it doesn't work.

so how the fuck am i? interesting has been my response as of late. because that's honestly the best way to describe a life that could easily be a soap opera.

and if you'd asked me right before this very moment, i'd say dreaming.
i've spent the last few days in a trance-like state. just skimming the edges of conciousness enough to communicate and play my part, but besides that, i've been lost in air and space, experiencing a sort of glazed existence. it feels like life has been wrapped up in cling film. ideas, concepts, and extremes have been given free reign through my floating thought process, where grey matter has mixed with white.
wake up jessie.

today, however, the coma broke.

send in the clowns.

when i was a little girl i had a music box. kept on my highest shelf in it's wrapping of card and plastic, tucked between red crates and crepe hats. when i pleaded with my mother long enough, she would bring it down for me to admire.
i would wind the key in its wooden back, and then, when i opened the little trinket draw, it would spring to life. a clown with a painted smile pinned to a circus background would dance in staggerred motion while a haunting melody played in soft resonance. encased by a gilded frame, the clown's movements would eventually lag, as the music faded and the cog slowed. the carnival remained unchanged.
when he was at rest, i would pack away my harlequin friend once more, not to be seen again for years.

it was just the other day that i was listening to some folk music by judy collins when i stumbled upon a song which sounded exactly like that which echoed from my music box those years ago. the same delicate chilling tones, yet this time set against evocative lyrics.

"just when I’d start
opening doors,
finally knowing
the one that i wanted was yours.
making my entrance again
with my usual flair.
sure of my lines,
no one is there"

as soon as the melody began to play, i choked up, and my eyes brimmed with tears.
it made me think back to being so innocent and knowing nothing of the world. when my life was filled with fancies, and i'd be a princess if only i put my tiara on, or maybe a fairy with spangled wings.

it reminded me of how far i have come over the years. it's all just the whole process of growing up, isn't it?
boyfriends, infatuation, love, questioning identity. trying to decide what to be when you realise "when you grow up" is closer than you'd realised. things falling through again and again, and trying to find a new way of coping each time, praying that you'll see it through. living with an eating disorder. depression. being hooked on sleeping pills. forgetting who you are and reinventing yourself countless times. following dreams and discovering new facets of life.
life is a carnival - the rollercoaster, the spun sugar on sticks, the ghost train, the gimmicks.
and the clowns of course.

"don’t you love farce?
my fault, i fear,
i thought that you’d want what I want.
sorry, my dear.
but where are the clowns?"

do you?

read by blogs?
agree with them?
disagree with them?
feel moved?
identify with what is written?
hate them?
do they make you think?
are they just pleasing on your eyes?
confused?
disagree?
understand?

whatever.
the point is, i am getting an interesting number of views each day. and yet, barely any comments or feedback. so if you think something, anything, when you read over these, let me know by means of comments or messages. i want to know if other people ever see things the way i see them, or even take a different stance. feel free to criticise, revere, question, or just tell your take on the matter.
because the littlest words can have the greatest effects.
thankyou.

little by little.

today, i looked out my window, over the city and the river, and saw the most beautiful shapes in the sky. and it got me thinking.

i really do believe it's the simple things that make life magic.

going to the laundromat on the weekend. laden with $1 coins, i sit on the bench and listen to the whirr and chug of the old machines. i found a forgotten dice in the barrell last week.

visiting the supreme court gardens at lunchtime. sometimes with someone, sometimes not, but always stopping on the greenest grass in the sunniest spot. i watch castles and crocodiles in the clouds.

reading literature on public transport. escaping by means of salinger and capote, the vechile jolts, but i am too consumed to care while caught up in carefully constructed sentences. i find some of myself in every character i encounter.

wearing gloves in cold weather. leather, lace, frills, clasps, vintage, edgy - my growing collection does more than just stop my tiny hands from numbing. i feel like a lady when i wear them, and i am.

playing an old piano. rich melodies of love and longing echo from the time-worn strings, where chords convey all conceivable emotion. i lay my fingers on black and white, and stop thinking.

writing anywhere and everywhere. always with a pen and notebook in the realms of my reach, i'll be inspired with no notice, and have to document my findings in a poetic script. i strive for creation and thought.

observing interesting architecture. turrets & columns, orange doors & sculpted spires, crumbling brick & decaying paint compromise treasures visible if you'd only look up whilst wandering through the city. i'll always wonder what is behind the highest window.

looking at things, and then looking again. a different story is always hiding behind facades and virtue; seek deep enough, stop blinking, and you'll be taught. i see more than i ever knew was possible.

reckless abandonment

through candlelit tones, i can see you silhouetted against stone.
waiting. it's late and my innocence is wavering.
i'll blithely follow you through labyrinthine corridors; weaving a tangled trail, i'm as good as blindfolded.
teenage angst melts away as the present unwinds. it's past the time to be confused.

you stop. you turn. we meet.
an embrace so succinct, our bodies unfurl.
we'll whisper in symbols and write in sighs - hieroglyphics to the blind.
we may be two miraculous machines, but i'm really just your little marionette girl.
you don't notice the dimpled young cheeks streaked by glistening tear-tracks as the wind beckons you once more.
narcissus can't be changed, he was lost long before i was found. sweet puppet, he just draws you in, doesn't he?

i stop. i turn. we divide.
i'll not be reckless anymore. i'll not abandon myself.
youth blossomed into something more while the candlelight faded; a flower so intricate, and yet strangely dangerous.
as petals fall upon moss, the eyes watch, holding secrets that will never escape.
wanton and refractory, he is left stanging amongst ghosts, a shadow of a boy too concerned with his reflection, too cold to tremble.
iron scissors cut my strings while the world spins and minds change. and i'm free.

in dedication.

you love her like a dog loves its owner.
and the owner loves the dog for so doing.
you'll hurt her. you'll never forgive her.
of course i'll forgive her. i *have* forgiven her. without forgiveness we're savages. you're drowning.

you think love is simple. you think the heart is like a diagram.
have you ever seen a human heart? it looks like a fist, wrapped in blood! go fuck yourself! you writer! you liar!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDL8juJ5uBc&feature=related
most breathtaking opening sequence from any movie i've ever seen.

heart stealer.

what goes unseen can't hide in eternity.
what locks itself away won't be held.
what is deemed right is only a matter of opinion.
what presents a lie couldn't live unscathed.
what masquerades is eventually uncloaked.
what floats in limbo may never know resolve.
what clings to truth is a self-made masochist.
what remains silent yearns to be freed.
what captures must be ready to be caged.
what defines love is as subjective as it comes.
what chases reflections will shatter the looking glass.
what forces creation has monstrous potential.
what collects keys is a master of emotion.
what revels in desire won't be satiated.
what keeps another's soul is a thief in their own right.
what loses, learns.

~

so many thoughts.
so many feelings.
i can't put them into words.
not just yet.

babylon.

i'll tell you a story.
ages ago, there was a people; a united empire who all spoke the same language. as a display of their might and valour, they endeavoured to build a tower so magnificent that it would reach the heavens, whereby they may be remembered eternally. god saw this as an act of defiance and arrogance against he who created them, and so proceeded to confuse their language. all now speaking in different tongues, the people were divided, and lost from one another. communication failed, and humankind was doomed.

and here we are. wandering the face of the earth. grasping pathetically for one another.
desperate.
trying to attach meaning to things, trying to feel something, anything.
we don't understand, and we can't express. we talk, but we rarely connect.
we're inherently flawed, that much is clear.
always wanting more, always searching for the one thing that we think may make us happy.
someone else who gets it.

there's an old theory that depicts how mankind used to be. there were 3 different types of people - a man and a man fused together, a woman and a woman fused together, and a woman and a man fused together - all joined at their backs. it goes that, somewhere along the line, we were all split apart from our matches, and now we will be forever searching for completeness, our counterparts. we'll never rest until we've filled that void.

so there it is again.
desperation.
the gods punished us once more for possibly thinking that we were invincible.
so we'll wander around in circles eternally. we'll never find our way.
we'll be momentarily happy, but, though we can technically put our bodies back together with our other halves, our souls could never be one again.

i like the idea of pre-assigned cosmic lovers.
but i don't think we should be looking to find happiness within another.
i believe we should learn to be lonely, to seek solace within ourselves.
that's not to say we can't find perfection with someone else - i know it exists. it's encouraging induviduality, stimulation, and controversy.
and when we do meet our match, we'll learn to speak in one another's tongues, and maybe rediscover ourselves along the way.

and i'll be honest; i'm enjoying the wander.

its love.

you know what is incredibly refreshing?
disliking something for so long. and then one day trying it again, and realising that you were wrong. surprisingly enough, i like being wrong a lot of the time. it challenges me and makes me re-think any preconceived notions i may have had.
i like to question and consider.

so, the point is, we went to get bubble tea this afternoon. and i am now hooked.

a stone.

i remembered a night of pure perfection.
it was february, or thereabouts, and the air was warm and thick.
we were on a night-time wander that took us down to the esplanade.
there were palm trees fronting a black river which lay not so far away.
a band was playing in a pseudo-tent which had been raised near the glass pyramid.
we lay on our backs on the gass, staring at a sky smothered with stars.
okkervil river sung "a stone", and i remember trying to make him smile.
the city lights were stunning, holding as much promise and wonder as you could imagine.
i stroked his hair as he melted into my arms.
i was complete for the merest of moments. life returned as fast as it had stopped.
the clocks continued to spin and whirr, but i felt changed.
it was just a night, but i'll always remember it when that song plays.
the lovliest words, whispered and meant.

i'll be the princess - lovely, stubborn and brave.
you'll be the stone.
and i'll wait in awe for the knave with the solitary rose.

*smiles*

longing.

seeing live music always pains me a little inside.
there's really not much else that i enjoy as much, and yet it also has this miraculous way of making me feel melancholy.
lately, i've found myself longing desperately to be the one on stage. baring my soul and singing evocative lyrics that have come from my heart; bringing my own poetry to the masses.
last night was certainly no exception. i distanced myself from the others, and sat mesmerised on a tattered velvet chair, dreaming of the day that it would be me at the microphone.

i did, however, receive my long lost keyboard the other day, by means of delivery from a boy and a taxi. i can't express how glad i am to have it back. aside from now being able to practise for my singing exam (i am going for level 6 and 7 in the coming months), i'll be able to sit down and write properly. it's going to be a struggle to find a place for it in my wallpapered room full of old-time curios and books, but oh so worth it. if only i could find the adaptor so it actually works...




[update] i am going to start doing some open mic stuff around the city i've decided. and hopefully that will flow into doing jazz at bars, until i find my feet with my own material. i am excited.
also, i am performing this weekend. let me know if you would like details.

opposite and the truth.

what is the opposite of being in love?

the popular belief is that it is hate. but i disagree.
to hate someone is something big. it requires a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, and a lot of energy. hate is similar to love in that it involves investing feeling within, or because of someone. it arouses reactions similar to love as well - frustration, strength, and even giddiness at times. when you hate, you are focusing yourself on another person. so, fundamentally, it is ridiculously similar to love.

no, i think the opposite of being in love is being in "numb". i've spoken of this before. it's not feeling anything at all, really. and sometimes, it's barely even thinking. to be numb is to not care either way what happens. when you don't react to the things someone in love, or someone in hate, would react to, you know you are in numb.

the trouble is, i truly don't have the capacity to hate. i've tried, believe me. but i'll always be the one to forgive and forget, and to see the best in people. human nature is so formidable that people can change so fast. and i don't think i'll ever stop waiting for that. this part of me has made me numb. i find it almost amusing all the things that have been thrown my way lately. and i've dealt with them. i haven't cried from pure sadness in a while, which worries me, because somehow, i have become a little numb. i've seen things for what they are, and tried to rouse emotion within myself, but failed. so i just stood by, while everyone around me spat fire and profanities, tried in vain to comfort, and attempted to resolve what was happening to me. i just stood by.

i now know that i have been in love twice. the first lasted for what seemed like a lifetime, and though it was everything i believed love to be, it was marked with hate and numbness too. it contained many qualities that a great love should be without, and yet i'd never change anything for the world. i don't think i will ever get over my first love completely. i am wholly at peace with that fact though. there's a stark difference between letting something go and getting over it. i'd never want to go back, but i'll never, ever let go of the memories.
you will never understand how i got through it. but i did.

the second love was more recent, and so fleeting that i would question it's existence at all if i didn't understand myself so well. i did, however, question my belief in people. i am so child-like in my trust. but at the same time, i have begun to expect the worst. so when things were smashed again, i barely reacted. and though i was initially scared of numbness settling in, i don't think feeling that way has stolen my ability to love by any means. so i'm really ok.

i think i lost the point of this blog somewhere along the line. its hard to be coherent when you have a vast array of thoughts streaming from your consious (and sub-concious), and keep being interrupted by work commitments.
but, i've resolved a few emotions within me, and thats all that really matters. with every step, i understand more.

i can say a million things that the world wants me to say about the situation. disgust. hate. anger. repulsion, dissapointment. loathing,
but the truth is, i'll never forget either of you.

great cats.

they say a leopard never changes his spots.
oh so true.

let you down once, let you down eternally.
lie to you once, lie to you forever.
take you for granted once, he will never realise your full potential.
you're a leopard.




cheetahs are unique in their speed and stealth.
unique, yes, and deadly.

pounce on you, take you unawares.
steal the air out of your sigh, leaving you infatuated.
he runs so fast in the other direction, you'll never catch up.
you're a cheetah.



the thing about tigers is, they rely on their camouflage.
i saw through it.

long to fit in, live to hide.
potential to be amazing, but no lion's courage.
stunning when seen, don't forget he's vicious.
you're a tiger.



3 different people. but they are all just great cats.
why do i always find myself with the leopards and cheetahs and tigers of the world?

first masterpiece in the works.

yesterday, i began to write my first song.
sitting down at an amazing old piano and resting my fingers on the slightly dusty keys had me inspired. and the first chord i played reached into my subconscious, managing to say everything i wanted. it followed from there.
i never really thought i'd be the one to make the melody, but once i started i just couldn't stop. every note i played just seemed to fit, and the next and the next flowed so seamlessly. something about my foot on the pedal, the lack of light in the room, or maybe the fact that the piano was in need of a tuning swept me up and let me create.

if you are wondering how the final result will sound, i would hope that it would sound a little like 8mm. smooth, intriguing vocals, haunting lyrics, and piano turns throughout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCv0rm0ugig&feature=related



and now? now i am listening to some old jazz.

an update.

whats going on in jessie-land you ask?
here's an update.

i love my new job. i can't put my finger on what exactly it is about it, but i feel challenged and removed from my comfort zone, and i like that. they have ordered business cards for me too, how professional.

my hair is changing today. its going to be interesting to see people's reactions when i become almost unrecognisable. but, it's time for a transformation, and i know just where i want to go.

my favourite band is coming to perth. my reaction was pretty ridiculous when i found out they were coming, and believe me, i'll be queued for my ticket. it will be intriguing to see some of the songs that have made me feel so much manifest themselves into a tangible form.

i'm performing next week. "for good" from wicked. "someone like you" from jekyll and hyde. "all i ask of you" from phantom of the opera. though i am expanding my horizons musically, theatre will always comprise my root system. and i'll always return to it when i'm lost, along with the piano.

the bus has been a time for writing as of late. diary, pen, thoughts streaming. it's a mess of notes at the moment, but one day, i'll blow you away. secret for now though. shh.

i want to watch wicker park again.

oh, and i'm listening to:
- regurgitator: the song formerly known as
- elvis costello: alison
- robyn: anything you like
- death cab for cutie: cath...
- david bowie: changes
- liz phair: explain it to me
- jose gonzalez: heartbeats
- feist: i feel it all
- primal scream: higher than the sun

full moon.

it lingers in a wisp of mist.
luminous against a changed blanket of sky.
time is tumultuous and untame; the orb remains.
captivate me.

walk with me in the moonlight.
my cheeks blushed from the icy air.
tension under cedar and oak.
i'm almost scared to move.

hold me close in the moonlight.
fragile cold hands meet creased warm hands.
tell me it's going to be ok.
it's all i ever wanted to know.

kiss me softly in the moonlight.
it's the last night where we'll be whole.
savour it, chase it, let it go.
the world will never be the same.

and so let me believe.

are you ready, maybe? i know where to run.
are you ready to let yourself drown?
are you holding your breath?
are you ready or not?

are you ready, maybe, too long to confess.
do you feel that you're already numb?
are you sure of yourself, would you lie if you're not?

you tire me out.
i won't let it happen.

just who.

days ago someone asked me the question "who is jessie?"
and it got me thinking.
it's so often that i ask the ambiguous question of others, but what would i say when confronted with the query myself, from the other side? my brain stuttered a little at the time, and i produced some sort of half-hearted answer that questioned little and presented only a glimpse of the truth.
now however, after mulling over it a few days, i've been able to piece something together.
and so it goes, or at least, i'll touch the surface.

first and foremost, i consider myself an idealist. this definition is pretty much on par with the way i am - "a person who holds fancies in mind".
i like to see the world my way. i recognise all the potential and wonder around me, but sometimes i see more ideals than practicalities. i am a dreamer.

thats not to say i'm not a realist. when i need to, i can wipe away pretense and veils to see what is really there. i am good at figuring out people and understanding their motives. i crave the truth more than anything. sometimes i don't even care about whether it's something i want to hear. just to know it, to hold it in the palm of my hand, is worth everything to me.

i long to create. i feel stifled when the opportunity is taken away from me. i've opened a doorway to my soul with my writing, and now it's something i can't imagine being without. the keys to that doorway are things and people that inspire me, move me, make me think about things in a different light. in turn, i like to be those things to other people.
and yet there are still times when i feel my intelligence is put to waste.

i will give other people everything. i'll love unconditionally without thought. if you're worthy of my affections, i'll let you into my soul, and turn your world upside down, inside out. i let myself be swept up in the moment, and give into my whims whenever i can. i won't ever stop feeling.

i'm happy. i'm quirky. i'm bubbly. i'm temperamental. i'm incendiary. i'm outlandish. i'm a perfectionist. i'm caring. i'm tempestuous. i'm reflective.
i'm a maze of brambles and tulips.

i worry. i forgive. i lean. i preen. i manifest. i conjure. i stress. i jump. i think. i release.
i love, i don't hate.

so, there is your answer. a scratch on a surface.
elsewise, explore and implore away.

paranoia.

what is this feeling within me?
bubbling in the pit of my stomach, making me short of breath, my pores tingle.
dread. uncertainty. worry.
paranoia.
eating, eating me up. i can't help it.
gnawing at my bones like a rabid dog. scavenging my flesh like a sneering vulture.
shaking, but only just. or maybe it's merely the cold.
sleep it away. delve into dreams.
calm yourself, jessie.

sorry.

sorry.
i'm sorry.
what does sorry mean anymore?

it used to be a word i demanded constantly. 5 letters, and it would all be ok. the simplest of combinations can have the greatest of effects. flames could be re-kindled. bridges could be re-built. bonds could be re-sewn.
but now, to me, it's just a word.

you can say sorry all you like. but it is what you do after you have uttered those two syllables that will mean the most to me. i don't care for sorry anymore. it means nothing. i'll appreciate it, but i won't necessarily believe you. fundamentally, its your actions that will scream to me, demand attention and a reaction, not the words with which you choose to label them.

we all fuck up. human nature forges it to be so. but if you can show me that you are dextrous enough to mend things, or even simply make a different choice next time the paradigm comes along, you will rule my heart and i'll be in awe.

sorry is sometimes saying that you've changed. and that change makes you regret your actions. you're embarrassed. seethe and simmer all you like; or deal with every moment after you make that realisation in a way that you are proud of. and i'll be your friend.

i've had too many sorries over the last years to believe in them anymore.
its time for you to sit down and stop being the person you fucking hate.





appendix: my "you" is wholly subjective. as ever.

no one is alone.

on saturday night, i went to a musical.
i'd not been to one in a long while, and though it was not the best i had seen, it still found a way to reach out to me. aside from all the silliness and comic relief, there were amazing compositions and some great performances.

the song "no one is alone" particularly touched me. it showed that, no matter what happens to you, what stands in your way, things are what you make of them. and the real truth is the decisions you make for yourself, and the person you decide to be.

i've noticed that there is good and bad in this world. things can get so dark sometimes that it is hard to see a way out. and people can let you down so completely.
but you decide what is right ultimately.

pull yourself up, and forge your own journey. trust me, you will be so proud of yourself in the end.




and as a side thought:
i love letting someone enter my world, and showing them the things that make me who i am. stimulating thought within another person is something i live for, and i will always endeavor to enrich the lives, and minds, of those i care for.
thankyou for letting me take you.
and thankyou for buying me the book i've just begun to read.

no one is alone.

job -> career

jessie has a new job.
and she is pretty damn excited.

it will be working for dimension data, in the learning solutions division.
the title is a branch co-ordinator, which is a combined role of acting as the office manager, and also being the executive assistant to the wa manager. so yep, lots of influence and responsibility.
the company is basically a training centre, focusing on IT and business development. it is an international organisation, which also has many offices in the eastern states.

i guess the most awesome part of the job is the perks. to start, a great salary and bonuses. plus my phone, internet, lunch, and various other things are all paid for by the company. we are also given a holiday to the eastern states once a year.

the career progression is also another fantastic element. the national human resources manager is flying out from sydney to meet me in 6 months to map out my career with the company - with the view to me assuming a position in HR, recruitment, or business improvement in the near future. plus, the likelihood of me being able to work over in the eastern states is very high.

so i guess you could say that it is all happening for me right now.
and the flowers delivered to me at work today didn't hurt either :)

black flower blossoms.

listening to "tear drop" by massive attack at 2:42 in the morning does wonders for the soul.
"gentle impulsion shakes me, makes me lighter"

its been an interesting night.
i got dressed. black dress. scarf with the hearts. white lace gloves.
i painted my face. eyelashes as long as you could imagine. living doll, almost.
dancing with the lights off with a suspender clad boy. i hate you, but i love you, housemate.
"tear drop on the fire, feathers on my breath"

a phone conversation.
passionate and raw, i think i understand, at least a little. don't be afraid. only you have the power for change, and i believe in you whole-heartedly. the world is inside you, its just up to you to harness it; live as you will. live as you want.
"water is my eye, most faithful mirror"

taxi, taxi.
inside just as the day of supposed bad luck ended, then squashed frogs at the bar as usual. dancing - free, wild, organic and graceful. i can't feel my feet anymore. i can feel my heart beating in it's cavity. numerous propositions, but all i can think of is you. i was then abandoned, ran into someone i would rather not see, and hailed a ride home. i'm still tipsy.
"love is a verb, love is a doing word"

now sleep.

on repeat.

i can't write tonight.
i am going to forget about you.

instead, here is what i am listening to.
go add these to your playlist:
goldfrapp - a&e
gotye - heart's a mess
regina spektor - samson
cibo mato - sugar water
the knife - heartbeats
m.i.a - paper planes
the bird and the bee - how deep is your love
city and colour - waiting
the wombats - kill the director
death cab for cutie - i will possess your heart
van morrisson - have i told you lately
okkervil river - a stone

jessie in a song right now?
mandy moore - gardenia

enjoy.

silly and predictable.

there's a haiku poem inside of my head, but the words are written in invisible ink.
now the world is changing, i can barely keep up;
what was hot is over, what was down is not.
now adam and eve are trying to split up.
and i can't take anymore, cause i just want you to _ me.

behind the rain clouds.

there is a time in your life when you need to halt all motion, and decide on the sort of person you want to be.
will you be the one to run and hide?
to stand on your own and paint the world as you see fit?
to give in to outlying forces and never grab hold of the one thing that could make you blissfully happy?
to overcome, and be the best you can be?
this is the junction i stand at.

i know what it is like to lose many of the things i hold dear.

a great love, turned to dust before my eyes. my best friend, suddenly a stranger whose eyes i couldn't meet. my protector, now harsh and cold. foreign.
a home that i had adorned with my soul suddenly morphed into a space that couldn't hold these new emotions. feelings that had always slithered within the walls no longer existed, now that the partnership was broken. what was now was no longer, and the lifestyle i knew vanished into thin air.
my precious kittens, whom i had poured so much affection into, had to stay. i knew it was best, and yet it broke my heart all the same that i wouldn't have them climbing over me in the morning, green eyes gleaming.
gone was the warm body lying next to me. gone were the familiar tunes played by the band next door. gone was my confidant and new family. gone.

i met someone who made me feel seasick. but the new relationship was over before i knew it. just when i realised i would love again soon, everything was thrown on the floor and the mess was left to ignore. i was already falling. its so fucking hard to admit. ideas, lists and conversations that held all the potential in the world were shredded. the pieces are still in a pile. there's glue over there.
naturally, the job followed. when you are too uncomfortable to go into the workplace you had enjoyed for so long, consider it lost. feel silly for missing it, ridiculous because of the reason why, but you can't go back.
gone was my new inspiration. gone were the fireworks and butterflies i hadn't felt for years. gone was my first proper job.

don't be too quick to leave your life at the door for someone else. oh, but we know i'd do it all again. i don't think i'll ever stop trusting to be honest. i think one day my optimism will pay off.

so i am at this junction, right?
and what am i, who do i want to be?
i'll be the one that got over all of this. improved, enhanced, understanding - ready for it all to crash down again. i'll always follow my heart, because i honestly think that is the best way to live. i'll be happy and noone will understand why.
i'll never regret a thing, because at the time, i'll always do what i believe is right. i'll always and always stay true to myself.

i cried while i wrote this. but i've emerged in a totally different mindset. strong, so strong. and feeling to the fullest extent again.

good.

Holden Caulfield.

"You're a real prince. You're a gentleman and a scholar, kid."

The Catcher in the Rye is a truly enchanting tale.
Holden uses such interesting language, I wish people still spoke that way.
Maybe I'll try to be as eloquent.








Update: I am feeling marginally better.

spades and hearts.

so it happened.
i became numb.
a queen in a cage.

i never though i'd say this.
i was petrified of it happening.
but you get to a point where you can't handle anymore.
you can break down.
or you can decide to see everything, but block the feeling.

i never, ever wanted it to be this way.
i always told myself it would be so much better to feel.
but then maybe i never knew how things could be.
becoming like the knights who showed me it was possible.
stab after stab, and i was gone.

save me.
mustering the feeling in the first place seems near impossible.
and the gallant knave doesn't exist, i've found.
life deals the cards - black and red printed on more than paper.
you're silly if you think you have control.

the middle ground was always going to be the worst.
not afraid to crash and burn, willing to love too.
but numbness and limbo took control.
stuck.

let me master my ace.
let me feel something.

typical;;'

the best things in life aren't typographically correct apostrophes.

have a good long think about that, and i think you will see what i mean.

sing without a song.

You step behind a curtain
In a moment you were gone.
Nothing's ever certain
And it's hard to carry on.

This is not what we planned
And I know its hard to understand
But if this isn't what you want then,
If this isn't what you need pry my fingers from your hand.

And maybe it's just meant to be
Maybe you'll find a way to haunt me
Come back and sing a melody to me.

Maybe we're just lost at sea
Maybe I'm holding on to driftwood
And I'll be alright if you could
Sing to me.

Help me make sense of what I don't understand.

because we are small.

as i watched the events of today unfold, i couldn't help thinking that life is elaborate and vast.

morning was spent lazily, slowly. in bed, room was a mess. i did some hunting for a while for something in particular on my mac. wait, its barely morning anymore. stumble to the bathroom. break the tap again. blue dress, the one that was in my dream. i was almost late for the bus.

one phone call and a train ride later, i wasn't sure how to feel. disappointed, that is precise; let down is also another way. sad that things had concluded, but relieved that i discovered that the person wasn't at all who i thought they were. longing again for something that resembles what i was hoping it to be. trust is paramount to me. as they say in "closer", without the truth, we are animals. i won't wear emotions on my sleeve anymore. or i'll try, at least. you are fake.

burgers in a diner with a great friend formed mid-day, where ramblings took control. i am glad that i met her, as despite the fact that it was so recent, i identify with her and she makes me happy. goldfrapp's "time out from the world" was playing in the store we wandered into. moving, paradise, involved; it was love. saw a supposed criminal recognised by watching the news. sat on swings. my foot went numb and i couldn't walk for a while. i will miss her when she goes, soon.

i made the afternoon as i went. i hadn't been to the alexander library for a while, but i was instantly glad when i entered the glass lift. i searched for sheet music of some old folk tunes. the books were all out though. the art gallery was next. i saw some wondrous works, as a music box played dulcet tones in the background. 190 gerberas squashed for years under a pane of glass, mouldy by now. a giant cardboard box with peepholes, each revealing a different, tiny panorama. cranberry juice for me, coffee for them, followed in the cafe.

i had some thoughts, too. i want to hone my writing ability to the extent where i can begin to generate music - lyrics and maybe even melodies as well. it is something i desperately long for, and i think i am getting there. lately i've been scribbling ideas all over tickets and receipts so they don't get lost in the depths of my imagination before i have a chance to write them out later. i also want to harness my senses more, and do more things which inspire me. i made a little list of some interesting adventures i want to go on, and it is this week's assignment to get a few of those done. i've already teed up a few partners to embark with me. i began to collect free postcards again. they are going to form a mural in the hallway perhaps, the green walls are looking a little bare.

and the evening? though its only just begun, i've been thinking and writing a great deal. but some of these works shan't be posted on here. at least, not just yet. now, i am going for a meeting. he'll pick me up in his car, and we'll go for coffee and a discussion in the place with the paper lanterns (i'm not sure of the name). then i'll sleep in freshly laundered sheets, and dream of the world again.



god, i love ambiguity.
its forming the basis of many goings on for me as of late, but doesn't it just make things all the more entertaining?

and we all love a big, fucking play.

a walk to revere.

so. he showed up on my porch in running gear. we were going to get some fresh air into our lungs and get our heart rates going. or so we thought.

another joined us, unexpectedly, as we were almost out of the door. we left, and the first thing i noticed was a neighbors lawn adorned with blush petals from the over hanging cherry tree. and i knew there would be more to see.

we walked further north at first, past the antique stores. the garden shop. we found a laundromat. admired the old houses with their standard rose bushes of varying colours. we took a turn and followed a road full of undulations, all the while exchanging ideas in the form of a (somewhat) witty banter. we peeped into someone's front yard, to find two incredibly wrinkled dogs. we decided we would walk to the river at that point.

we walked through a previously undiscovered strip of shops. we had $1 to our names, which we decided to spend on some incense from a tiny asian store. we reached the river eventually. found a nice bench. lit some incense, and practised made-up yoga. there was a playground different from all the rest. we climbed, and slid, and jumped, and got sand in our shoes. we saw two drangonflys zipping through the air, while mating, while being chased by another, while also being chased by a hungry willy wag-tail. i did cartwheels. he hung from a tree, like a monkey, and did chin ups. more discussion.

time to walk back home. i noticed a gun shop on the way. funny, in wonder how many they sell a day. we decided that we would like to go to church on a sunday soon. just for an experience. noticed a freemason's building (1937) that had been painted midnight blue, i wished i could look inside. we descended down a street that was preparing for a verge collection. i found an old, green chair with a certain sheen to it that i loved. he carried it over his shoulders for me, all the way home. there was a tree in someone's front yard that had been completely consumed by vines.

and two hours later, we were back. i can't describe how amazing this outing was, all i can do is list the things we saw and did. but it was incredible. and it made me notice that there is so much that goes unnoticed. i bet the owner of the house with the tree has never thought anything of it. i bet the person who discarded that chair simply saw it as an old thing. i bet onlookers thought we were silly for climbing trees and doing cartwheels.

but i will notice, and see, and enjoy, and understand.
and i'm ready to do it all again, just in a different setting.

the things list.

just as a side note:

she has a new music obsession - the bird and the bee.
she burnt the inside of her arm while draining pasta.
she had a fight with her dad over the phone.
she is about to go for a wander around her suburb with her best friend.
she smoked for the first time last night. and no, she's not proud. she just needed to calm her nerves.
she feels rather listless.
she is ready to let go if she has to. but that doesn't mean she wants to.
she felt pretty when she went out last night.
she needs to tidy her room.
she wants to think of more complex things, but she is always drawn back to that one character that plays on her mind.
she is going to do something productive.

when we

i feel fragile.
i think that is the simplest way to put it. but really, its much more intricate than that. so many emotions are coursing through my system, the good and the bad, some strange, some familiar.

its so hard to learn how to trust again when all your walls have been broken down. i don't necessarily mean telling someone your deepest secrets&desires; i mean investing your emotions within someone without fear, taking a chance, and giving your "self" away. i want to trust so so much. and i thought i was getting there, but events of last night made me take a step back. and now i am scared all over again.

i wish i could let you in so you could understand this. you are the only thing that is making sense to me right now. i know what i feel, and its compelling, and crazy, and it needs to be set free.
when i am with you, everything else in this silly world seems to slip away.
when we talk, i am inspired, and i want to know more, as much as i can.
when we run outside in the freezing cold just to "feel", my pulse quickens, because its you.

as it goes, we are living in a world of fools. breaking us down.
breathe, and resist.

when we kiss, it's all worth it.

28

blog views in one day.
who is even reading these?

confused.

this little girl can't get one thing off her mind.
she has tried. but she fought sleep all night to remain conscious so she could let herself be carried away by these thoughts. she was actually overjoyed everytime she woke up throughout the night, because it was a chance to think some more.

ridiculous. don't get ahead of yourself.

she actually thinks that maybe she has found what she was looking for. the way she is feeling inside is exactly what she wanted, isn't it? but part of her considers it wrong to be feeling so happy. part of her is scared. isn't this how she felt before, those years ago? and what happened before? she was hurt. she doesn't care, she'll take her chances.

it's too soon. slow down.
i don't know if i want to.

my words.

written may 29, i forgot to add it.


"i like them because i can see you running through those thoughts as you pen them down. it's a little 'stream of consciousness', a little reflection & a whole lot of vivid imagery."



this is a friend's outlook on my writing.

it made me bubble inside, because this is exactly what i want to achieve. and for someone to recognise this means the world to me.

i don't want to win awards, or be politically correct. or even necessarily be accurate. i just want to maybe let someone else catch a glimpse of the world through my eyes, the richness of my view, and the perceptions of my experiences.



thankyou mr s for your kind words.

i feel inspired again.

raptures.

tonight, i spent more time with someone i mentioned in an earlier blog.
and so the story continues.

we barely stopped talking the entire night. we spoke of the past, the future, the real and the fake. our aspirations, our beginnings, our secrets and lies. we only watched 20 minutes of our movie because talking felt so much better.
he intrigues me. he takes my breath away.

it's been a long while since i felt so comfortable with someone. like i could share my deepest desires and fears with him, and he would accept me and understand me. in turn, i love to listen to him talk. the passion and emotion he conveys through his words captivates me, and i am left longing for more.

he held my hand. i was nervous.
the instant he left, i wish he had stayed.
he is on my mind, and he'll remain there.
i am in raptures and i feel a spark.

time will tell.

poetry.

in my day to day happenings, there have recently been many things that have caught my eye in this world.
were they always there? is it just that i have only begun to engage my senses and notice things? i am not sure.

this morning when i woke up i lay still in bed, not thinking, just listening. and what i heard captivated me. a few birds, of different varieties it seemed, were speaking with one another. it may sound ridiculous, but it seemed perfectly obvious to me (and anyone else who may have been listening) that they were in conversation. one high-pitched chirp here, a guttural coo there, a series of harsh squarks, and i was intrigued.

but it wasn't just that occurrence that revealed poetry in a tangible form to me.

it was the fog that lined my window when i woke up in the middle of the night, a tangled pattern woven by droplets running down the pane.

it was the crop of sour grass i noticed on the way to my parent's the other day, and the memories of eating it as a child, even though i have no recollection of it ever tasting nice.

it was being exposed to some new beautiful music, that made me think "this is so me right now", and feeling the acoustic melodies manifesting my emotions from thin air.

it was seeing someone who i had known always as a child, and realising that they were well and truly grown up. it had all happened before my eyes, but had gone unnoticed for a time.

it was staring out the window at work to a grey city in the early morning, and recognising at once all the promise, and horror, that the world held. the rain began to fall in a pristine sequence, and i let it be.

it was the redness of the sunset shining through the fluffiest clouds yesterday afternoon, contrasting with the blue sky and reminding me of a joni mitchell song where we only know things by how we look at them. when we look at things in a different way, we really don't know them at all.

its all these little things that go unseen as we go about our days. but now, my eyes are open, and i am enjoying the view.
pure poetry.

making some sense.

i've not blogged in a few days.
i guess because the multitude of feelings and thoughts that have been streaming through my conscious (and subconscious) mind are confusing me so, and i am not sure if i can put them into words.

i'll try to lay everything out as best as i can.

first of all, i am discontented. there is something about the direction i am headed in career-wise that i am not happy with. i am longing for something more - the ability to use my creativity, to feel like i am doing valuable work, and to be kept busy. right now i am merely one of the masses, plugging in information in a robotic manner, speaking from a pre-conceived script. i need something more, or i feel like eventually my mind will have become stagnant and beyond repair. i think i am going to have a hunt around for something *else*.

to combat these feelings of mediocrity, i have begun to start reading again, seriously. i have always had a long shopping list of books that i would read "one day". and why not start now? browsing bookshops with a friend, i was handed "the catcher in the rye", an all-time literary great. i've only just begun to flip through the pages, but already i am associating with the protagonist, holden, if only concerning his teenage angst.

i felt like i explored my new suburb a little more yesterday. my legs still ache slightly from a journey to the beginning of the mt lawley cafe strip from my house in inglewood by foot. i guess it was the overflowing circles of conversation that kept me entertained and not realise the distance, but we'll get to the later.
i noticed new quirky shops and interesting cafes, and hence now have an agenda of places to visit and sample. the vietnamese takeaway shop was crossed off the list of things to try last night, but it will definitely be returned to.

i like catching up with old friends. there are some people who you may not see for a while, but when you spend time with them again, it feels like moments never passed and there is simply just more to be said. there is something refreshing in having someone really "know" you. someone who can pre-empt your reactions, and know the right advice to give. someone who can pick you up when you are feeling low, and help you clear things up when you are confused.

in turn, i like spending time with new friends. i met someone who i had not previously hung out with in the real world, and what happened was not what i expected. there are few people that you meet that you feel you really connect with. and he is one of those people. we never stopped talking, we found so many common interests, and when we parted all i could think of was the next time that we would be able to share ideas and perceptions again.
i will write more about this when i know more.

i am sick of feeling sick. for more than 2 weeks now, i have had a stabbing pain in my abdomen, sometimes feeling like a huge needle, other times feeling like i've been punched. it's leading to me missing many days of work, and while doctors are still trying to get to the bottom of it, sometimes i am in near-agony.

i think this is all for now. once i have consolidated my feelings a little more, i'll extrapolate on a few of these themes.

merrily we roll.

i like having things to look forward to, and lately, there have been plenty.

i am looking forward to dinner tonight in leederville with a new good friend. the suburb captivates me - the old, cottage style houses contrasting with the mod apartments, the quirky stores and vibrant cafes, and the thought-provoking films held at the luna.

i am looking forward to the weekend and the promise it holds. dancing like crazy, intellectual conversations, coffee dates minus the coffee, finding more quirky objects for my new house, and listening to new music leant to me by a friend.

i am looking forward to winter nights in our new house. the possibility of conrad the stray cat returning, cuddling up on the couch with my awesome housemates, whipping up masterpieces in the kitchen again, boardgame nights, rain on my windows, and hanging out in my room from another era.

i am looking forward to a long overdue trip to the zoo. seeing the new red panda cub, playing on the cool swings, strolling among nature, and the ferry ride there of course.

i like how life rolls along.
sometimes i feel like i am not in control of what happens, and i like it that way. its good to know that things will unfold in their own way, and all i can do is tag along and see where the leash directs me.

a tale oneday.

i made a decision the other day.
i am going to write a book.

yes, yes, i know - it sounds ridiculously trite and cliche. but i feel the need to pen down my life experiences thus far in a narrative form before i forget how things felt, and they become just a picture in my mind.
it will probably take years to finish, but it is something i really want to do.

it will follow a thought process... back and forth through times past and present, as convoluted as my imagination. it will be peppered with embellishments that admit themselves openly, and it will hold the fascination and intrigue i view the world with.

but first of all, i need to decide what i want to achieve by writing it. otherwise, it will end up like all my other pieces of work - romantic, lyrical and stark, but with no real point.

save these questions for another day.

playing billy joel on the piano moves me.
it takes me back to the memory of my mother playing the same piece before bed, all those years ago.
it was raining outside, and our pajamas were warm out of the dryer. the black dog was curled up by the heater, and there was a minty taste in my mouth from having just brushed my teeth.

it makes me think, how far we have come.
despite the fact that i like to think i am young, i realise more and more each day that i am living an adult life.
when did i grow up?

*shrugs* i think i'll just go play piano again and not worry about the world.
how childish.

elation /of sorts

written may 14

today was a day of pleasant surprises.

the air was cold and sharp this morning as i walked to the train station.
some beautiful orange tulips were delivered to me at work from a mystery sender.
i found a quaint house to call our own, with a stone fireplace in my room.

and i reconciled with someone this evening. we chatted like time never passed.
i hope he knows what he means to me.

oh boy.

written march 12


boy.

you are not the one who i thought would hurt me.
you are not the one who people will think you are when they read this.
you are not the one who will even glance at my writings.
myspace is too trivial.

you are the one i've only just begun to discover.
you are the one who i have found some solace in.
you are the one who picked me up, engaged my mind.
my heart was too trivial.

i think about you lots.
i'm sorry, but i'm not.
i wish we talked again.
i don't know if we will.
i miss you. you hurt me.
i don't know why.

you're not too trivial, for me.

meetings and movings.

written may 11

on another note, which certainly calls for a new blog, i met my future housemate today.
but it really wasn't a first meeting at all, as we realised we had known each other in a previous phase of life. how interesting.

i am looking forward to having a place of my own again.
it's not that i am unhappy here, i actually have it very well. but i crave a sense of freedom, and the ability to do things for myself and on my own terms.
i cannot wait to cook again. it is one of the things i miss the most about living out of home, and i am eager to having people to whip up masterpieces for. hehe.

i have decided i want my house to be full of mis-matched, art deco wonders, with every piece having a different story behind it. with lots of cool artworks and free postcards all over the walls.

it will be lots of fun. and i do realise i am struggling to be eloquent tonight; it has been a big weekend which also incorporated a trip to the country.
nonetheless, i am generally excited and enthralled with life.
and don't worry, you can come over any time :)

rechabites.

written may 11.

last night, i was taken to the theatre.


i hadn't been to see a play in so so long, and it was fantastic.


it made me think about a few things.


the raw emotion and expression that can be conveyed through people's faces.


the concept of a 'life journey'.


the meaning of family and a sense of place.


how we immerse ourselves in the superficial more than we know it.


how a simple, intellectual evening can be incredible.



and how much i love to hear other people's stories. why they are who they are and how they came to be... 

people are such intricate creatures, and i can't help but be inquisitive.


thankyou for the evening.

facing up.

written may 6.

there is a time in our lives when we have to come to accept who we are.
once upon a time, everything i did was governed by what was said to be cool, what the social 'norm' was.
but now, i have broken free.
i don't care anymore what other people think of me, and i have come to embrace my little complexities that make me who i am.
the thing i have realised is, that when you recognise, and come to love, all your little quirks, people can see how happy you are about them, and then suddenly everything you do is cool.

i can admit everything about myself, and it is so refreshing.
i can admit that i love to read both trashy books, and history.
that i have tried an internet dating website.
that i love playing mario kart.
that musicals get me excited.
that darren hayes may be the best artist ever.
that i sometimes dance when i am on my own.
that i used to have anorexia.
that i am scared of being alone.
that i read perezhilton.com.
that i play hangman online when i am bored.
that i am always drawing wacky cartoon animals.

i know now that it is all these little things that complete the picture, that make me the person who is different from the next.
i've faced myself, embraced myself, and will chase the self that is around the corner, ready to be in all it's entirety.

tangled.

written may 4.

boys, why are you so confusing?

jessie, why are you so indecisive?

and on a side note;
perth, why are you so fake?

hmm

written saturday may 3.

and why do all my blogs remind me of darren hayes?!

step into the light.

written saturday may 3.

life is so much more intricate than you sometimes realise.
winding through the tunnels of the world, i have glimpsed some incredible, and terrible things.

sometimes when you are so consumed within something, it is hard to see it for what it really is. take a step back, and you see the truth.
i honestly think that i have learnt more about life, and emotions, and myself in this last month than i ever have before. i have been given a fresh start, a new chance, to construct the world i want to live in, and the life i want to lead.

i believe we all have a path that is decided, mapped out, before it unravels. i believe everything will happen for a reason, and you can't really control situations, as you always do what you are supposed to do, what has already been predicted.

the best way to live is without regret, and that is exactly how i feel right now. i wouldn't change anything that has happened. though i can't help but love and care, i don't want my past as my future, and realising that has been the most empowering thing that has ever happened to me. for the first time in my life i can see things, and people, for what they really are. i can see through the fakeness that has come to consume so many of those around me, and understand what i could not understand before.
i don't hate. i will not harbour any negativity. at the end of the day, if that is the part that someone else wants to play, so be it. i will be left knowing that i have been the best person that i can be, and that is ultimately fulfilling.

is this happiness? i am not sure. it is definitely contentment, and certainty. things feel so right for me just where i am at the moment. i can look back, and smile, and not want what used to be at all.
the happiness is sure to come soon enough. but even if perfection never manifests itself for me, these bursts of amazement, this rapturous feeling, this newfound knowledge, will be more than enough.

it all fits. just like a puzzle. it's not complete, no, but with each piece it becomes greater and wiser and more colourful.

it just all works.

it wasn't just any night.

written april 26.

she had the most amazing night ever.
she couldn't remember feeling happier, or freer.

she played cards with old and new friends.
she ate fairy bread.
she had some interesting conversations with some nice girls.
she met some even nicer boys.
she was bought drinks she hadn't tried before.
she met an elephant trainer and a reptile keeper.
she danced like the night would never end.
she discussed music and mused over life.
she wandered through the dark city as it wound down after another hectic day.
she was given a cardigan by a boy to keep her from the cold.
she held hands and felt safe.
she was at her friend's house by 6am.
she slept in a single bed for the first time in a long time.
and 3 hours later she went home and watched bjork on tv;
too exhausted to think, too happy to care.

she was captured, tantalised, by all her experiences of the night.
she was in an ultimate state of rapture, and she still hasn't left.



happyhappyhappy ^^

faraway voice

written april 21.

what's it like to be heard?
do you still hum the old melodies?
do you wish people listened?
----------------------------------------

i sung today.
properly, for the first time in weeks.
i let everything that has happened in recent times out, and bared my soul.
and it was magic.

i don't think i can express myself any better than through song.
it lets me release.
in one moment, everything that hung over me faded away, and it was simply me and my voice. and that is really the most priceless experience one can have.
it was honest, and raw, and i was at one with myself.
i realised emotions that i had not yet brought out; i put the hurt and loneliness with the music, and turned it into something else - understanding and acceptance.

i will be on stage again in a few weeks, and i am dying to show the world how i feel.
i am growing, and moving, and learning, and it is only making me better.

and you know what?
maybe, just maybe, i am getting a glimpse of who i will be in the near future.
stronger. electric. mesmerising.
jessie.

--------------------------------------------------
and i will walk with you on a summer's day,
and i will talk to you though you're faraway
and we'll sing through the years...

who would have thought?

written april 16.

It is here I find myself.
Poised on the cusp of what is, what can be, and the infinite unknown.
The world seems full of intense possibility. It is seeping into my pores, making me feel alive and strong, like I have never felt before.
In the silver shadows, I am radiating.

They say that when one door closes, another opens.
Well, as generic as it sounds, I feel like 20 have opened for me. I feel like all that I have ever wanted, and all that I could ever dream to be, are notions right here at my fingertips. A mere reach away, I am more ready than ever to jump and see where the fall takes me.

I feel more empowered than I ever have in my life. I feel like I have lost nothing, and gained everything. Though I am still finding myself and defining who I am, I am already amazed at what I have found. I am becoming that person I always wanted to be. Step by step, action by action, things are changing.

I have felt felt so much in 2 weeks after feeling almost numb for what has felt like a lifetime. I have felt real sparks, and I have felt a fire within me. I have felt the sea air whipping my hair across my face. I have felt the limitless possibility that comes with watching a sunset. I have felt the happy disillusionment of having one too many. I have felt dew on grass.

It takes dire times for you to realise what your life actually consists of. And that may be for the better, or for the worse. In my case, is has been for the productive, the wanted, and the amazement.
I have already met some incredible people who I feel are already impacting upon my life more than they know it. And then there are the ones who were always there, but who I would never have known I could draw such strength from.

I have opened my eyes at the world, and I am looking upon a world full of colour and shape. Though the light is still flickering into a state it feels comfortable with, I am confident that no matter what happens, I will truly be ok.

I am ready to embrace all that is on my own. I want to explore, I want adventure, I want love, and I want fireworks, and I am beginning to find all these things within my self.

I don't need anyone to complete me.
I don't need anyone to save me.
And really, who would have thought?

First of all...

I am copying and pasting all my recent myspace blogs here.