opposite and the truth.

what is the opposite of being in love?

the popular belief is that it is hate. but i disagree.
to hate someone is something big. it requires a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, and a lot of energy. hate is similar to love in that it involves investing feeling within, or because of someone. it arouses reactions similar to love as well - frustration, strength, and even giddiness at times. when you hate, you are focusing yourself on another person. so, fundamentally, it is ridiculously similar to love.

no, i think the opposite of being in love is being in "numb". i've spoken of this before. it's not feeling anything at all, really. and sometimes, it's barely even thinking. to be numb is to not care either way what happens. when you don't react to the things someone in love, or someone in hate, would react to, you know you are in numb.

the trouble is, i truly don't have the capacity to hate. i've tried, believe me. but i'll always be the one to forgive and forget, and to see the best in people. human nature is so formidable that people can change so fast. and i don't think i'll ever stop waiting for that. this part of me has made me numb. i find it almost amusing all the things that have been thrown my way lately. and i've dealt with them. i haven't cried from pure sadness in a while, which worries me, because somehow, i have become a little numb. i've seen things for what they are, and tried to rouse emotion within myself, but failed. so i just stood by, while everyone around me spat fire and profanities, tried in vain to comfort, and attempted to resolve what was happening to me. i just stood by.

i now know that i have been in love twice. the first lasted for what seemed like a lifetime, and though it was everything i believed love to be, it was marked with hate and numbness too. it contained many qualities that a great love should be without, and yet i'd never change anything for the world. i don't think i will ever get over my first love completely. i am wholly at peace with that fact though. there's a stark difference between letting something go and getting over it. i'd never want to go back, but i'll never, ever let go of the memories.
you will never understand how i got through it. but i did.

the second love was more recent, and so fleeting that i would question it's existence at all if i didn't understand myself so well. i did, however, question my belief in people. i am so child-like in my trust. but at the same time, i have begun to expect the worst. so when things were smashed again, i barely reacted. and though i was initially scared of numbness settling in, i don't think feeling that way has stolen my ability to love by any means. so i'm really ok.

i think i lost the point of this blog somewhere along the line. its hard to be coherent when you have a vast array of thoughts streaming from your consious (and sub-concious), and keep being interrupted by work commitments.
but, i've resolved a few emotions within me, and thats all that really matters. with every step, i understand more.

i can say a million things that the world wants me to say about the situation. disgust. hate. anger. repulsion, dissapointment. loathing,
but the truth is, i'll never forget either of you.