send in the clowns.

when i was a little girl i had a music box. kept on my highest shelf in it's wrapping of card and plastic, tucked between red crates and crepe hats. when i pleaded with my mother long enough, she would bring it down for me to admire.
i would wind the key in its wooden back, and then, when i opened the little trinket draw, it would spring to life. a clown with a painted smile pinned to a circus background would dance in staggerred motion while a haunting melody played in soft resonance. encased by a gilded frame, the clown's movements would eventually lag, as the music faded and the cog slowed. the carnival remained unchanged.
when he was at rest, i would pack away my harlequin friend once more, not to be seen again for years.

it was just the other day that i was listening to some folk music by judy collins when i stumbled upon a song which sounded exactly like that which echoed from my music box those years ago. the same delicate chilling tones, yet this time set against evocative lyrics.

"just when I’d start
opening doors,
finally knowing
the one that i wanted was yours.
making my entrance again
with my usual flair.
sure of my lines,
no one is there"

as soon as the melody began to play, i choked up, and my eyes brimmed with tears.
it made me think back to being so innocent and knowing nothing of the world. when my life was filled with fancies, and i'd be a princess if only i put my tiara on, or maybe a fairy with spangled wings.

it reminded me of how far i have come over the years. it's all just the whole process of growing up, isn't it?
boyfriends, infatuation, love, questioning identity. trying to decide what to be when you realise "when you grow up" is closer than you'd realised. things falling through again and again, and trying to find a new way of coping each time, praying that you'll see it through. living with an eating disorder. depression. being hooked on sleeping pills. forgetting who you are and reinventing yourself countless times. following dreams and discovering new facets of life.
life is a carnival - the rollercoaster, the spun sugar on sticks, the ghost train, the gimmicks.
and the clowns of course.

"don’t you love farce?
my fault, i fear,
i thought that you’d want what I want.
sorry, my dear.
but where are the clowns?"