behind the rain clouds.

there is a time in your life when you need to halt all motion, and decide on the sort of person you want to be.
will you be the one to run and hide?
to stand on your own and paint the world as you see fit?
to give in to outlying forces and never grab hold of the one thing that could make you blissfully happy?
to overcome, and be the best you can be?
this is the junction i stand at.

i know what it is like to lose many of the things i hold dear.

a great love, turned to dust before my eyes. my best friend, suddenly a stranger whose eyes i couldn't meet. my protector, now harsh and cold. foreign.
a home that i had adorned with my soul suddenly morphed into a space that couldn't hold these new emotions. feelings that had always slithered within the walls no longer existed, now that the partnership was broken. what was now was no longer, and the lifestyle i knew vanished into thin air.
my precious kittens, whom i had poured so much affection into, had to stay. i knew it was best, and yet it broke my heart all the same that i wouldn't have them climbing over me in the morning, green eyes gleaming.
gone was the warm body lying next to me. gone were the familiar tunes played by the band next door. gone was my confidant and new family. gone.

i met someone who made me feel seasick. but the new relationship was over before i knew it. just when i realised i would love again soon, everything was thrown on the floor and the mess was left to ignore. i was already falling. its so fucking hard to admit. ideas, lists and conversations that held all the potential in the world were shredded. the pieces are still in a pile. there's glue over there.
naturally, the job followed. when you are too uncomfortable to go into the workplace you had enjoyed for so long, consider it lost. feel silly for missing it, ridiculous because of the reason why, but you can't go back.
gone was my new inspiration. gone were the fireworks and butterflies i hadn't felt for years. gone was my first proper job.

don't be too quick to leave your life at the door for someone else. oh, but we know i'd do it all again. i don't think i'll ever stop trusting to be honest. i think one day my optimism will pay off.

so i am at this junction, right?
and what am i, who do i want to be?
i'll be the one that got over all of this. improved, enhanced, understanding - ready for it all to crash down again. i'll always follow my heart, because i honestly think that is the best way to live. i'll be happy and noone will understand why.
i'll never regret a thing, because at the time, i'll always do what i believe is right. i'll always and always stay true to myself.

i cried while i wrote this. but i've emerged in a totally different mindset. strong, so strong. and feeling to the fullest extent again.

good.