The Break-up.

The breakup is so imminent that I am already planning the words I'll use.
So close that I already have that giddy feeling in my stomach. The bad kind - terror and uncertainty uncoiling slimy tentacles, writhing, seething.
So close that only hours mark the separation.

And it's in this moment, where I'm nearly upon the point of no return, that I wonder if I'm just in my decision. I've taken all but a few steps in my quest to combat that which has affected me so much, and yet now a strange contentment, could you even say happiness, has washed over me...
A newfound affection has instilled itself over the bitter resentment and hopelessness that have evaded my judgement. Judgement which I wouldn't trust anyway. Maybe it's just the knowledge that I'll soon be free, leaving behind thought-spun shackles and leashes.
Maybe I just romanticise anything I can.

I'm sorry I lead you on.
I'm sorry I made you think this was something that would last.
I'm sorry I didn't know myself better than to tell you you're perfect for me.
Because you're not.

I tried to make it work.
I put my very soul in. I let you wrap me in a straightjacket and fasten the clasps using my hands. Yes, it was I that let it happen.
And now it is the same 'I' that will cut me loose.

Certainty is a beautiful thing.
It is a promise that my self won't buckle under the looming cloud.
So I'll keep my wits about me, when I tell you it's over. Maybe I'll mock regret and gratitude. Or maybe it'll be real.

I am grateful.
You showed me that there's something better in life for me to strive for.
You showed me where my strengths lie... and what my true faults are.
You showed me how I can be controlled, how I hate to be controlled.
And I thank you for that.

I don't want you anymore.
I'm leaving you.
In the nicest way possible - "goodbye".

Songs for my now.

Yes, I know it's cliched and trite, but music has been inspiring me lately in phenonmenal ways.
It's been the same songs on repeat for the past while, melodies and lyrics which have drawn inspiration and emotion from within me and given me a sense of clarity. I'm sure you won't feel the same about these pieces that I do, but I'll attempt to offer a glimpse of the amazing, or at least, what I can see.

Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever,
So we can stay like this forever"
"You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love."

My place, my age. Reckless youth and naiive love.

November by Azure Ray
"I was afraid to be alone.
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be.."
"So many lifeless empty hands,
So many hearts in great demand."

Push away the world, live in a cave. It's november, and it's ok to be lonely.

A Hundred Challenging Things a Boy Can Do by Darren Hayes
"You've waved goodbye and held more tears in than anyone ever should.
And all my sorrows pale to insignificance.
That's why I love you."

Our struggles in life will be muted by greater suffering, somewhere else, closer than you know it.

Alright by Kinnie Starr
"Is it alright for me to feel this way?
Put my head in your lap
The world will go away"
"Your mind leads my mind to a world more beautiful.."

We'll journey somewhere only we can share, and in that Utopia we'll be complete.
It's so right.

Falter then fall.

Just pretend like it never happened.
Just raise the china to your lips, take a sip.
Just feel it scald your throat with purpose, but it's ok, because there's painted flowers on the rim.
Just remember that beauty's there through the banal.
Just know that you were there, though the picture in your mind is all that's tangible.
Just savour the roughness of the wall when you throw yourself upon it, howling silently.
Just realise that the well dried up - please find a new way to vent if you can.
Just blind yourself whichever way you can, and for a moment it's all simple and you can even smile.
Just imagine that foot-wide balcony over the lights and cranes.
Just decide how you'll end it, what's at stake, and what's to gain.
Just let the outline of a metal circle fall onto the pavement nine storeys below, wait for the gentle cling that you know will happen but you can't hear.
Just walk away.
Just leave the emotion and words behind.

Just don't pretend it never happened.
Just acknowledge that you're nothing without experience.
Just be.

Eventually upon a time.

A snapshot of the future written by the boy who knows me best (and loves me most).


"One day I’d like to live in a 2 storey house with you with a white picket fence and a sun room.

There’d be a small entrance hall with flowers and some lovely carpets, a cosy sitting room with bookshelves and buffet hutches galore. There’d be thick curtains tied back and a lovely wood paneled dinning room down the hall, and in the hall would of course be a sideboard..

We’d have a four poster bed in our bedroom, and a bathroom upstairs as well as down. There’d be storage under the stairs we’d use as a cubby, and lovely light fittings throughout.

We’ll have a lovely cottage garden with vines up the fences and flowers everywhere. There’d be butterflies and a pond, and fresh smells to flow into the kitchen and dining room. And the cats would play in the yard on their long leads."


Bliss.

Graduation.

We sat at the back of the hall at old wooden tables pre-chosen for us, a buzz of excitement (or was it mitigation?)gently hovering above seated lines of the "future minds of tomorrow", or whatever they were about to tell us.
We were smiling, we were remarking over each other's dresses, we were posing for photos, and it was all so promising. Our destiny's awaited, but besides that, we were completely naiive.

This was 2 years ago. Yes, two years have passed. And I think of this day because tonight I'll be there again, but it won't be me sitting at the desk in the room behind the hall this time.
No, I'll be a spectator, and my sister will be the spectacle. I wish I knew how to tell her that everything she knows is about to change. I wish I could say that things will be ok, and everything that she's hoped will come true.

But I can't. No one experiences the same, do they? So while, in these two years, my world has been turned upside down and back again ten-fold, I can't know for sure that the same will happen for her. Maybe it will really go the way she's always wanted, and the path will always be clear and straight. Though personally, I wouldn't change any of the experiences in my time since for the world.

I felt so numb that day. Yes, I was smiling and sharing in the celebration, but underneath it all meant nothing. "This Year" by The Mountain Goats played as everyone skipped out of the echoing hall, marking the end of an era and the start of a new life. Why didn't I feel anything? Why was it only in the time after that I've mourned my old, familiar world, wished I could drift out of my responsibilities back to a time when feeling content was effortless.

I do miss those young smiling faces. Some have moved away, some have drifted away, some were never really there, some revealed their true selves. It doesn't change the time we had when we were together though. Sometimes I dream that we could all be again, but then I remember that it only fit momentarily; we were never meant to be anything substantial.

Time flies; people change. You grow, you emote, you de-sensitise, you wake.

Tonight I'll sit there, watching while they step up to the stage to receive they're navy sashes, patient and proud. I know what their poised on, but I won't share that knowledge. It's for you to learn, for you to experience; no one but fate knows your path.
So all I'll say is - welcome to the world.

Dear Blog.

Dear Blog,

It's been a while since I've written. I've wanted to, every day. But distraction has kept me away time and again, life leading me by a leash which I can only choose to follow. I've missed the clarity and fulfillment that you give me.
So now I am choosing to use you more often - a means of escape, a conscience, a silver beacon, a canvas, a space to mess up and amalgamate the curios of my mind.
I'll write to you every day, if I can. I'll let myself. Or force myself.

It's only been recent, but I've taken to carry a plank-paged notebook with me everywhere I go. My book of hearts, eventually it'll be filled with that which inspires me and challenges my thoughts, or just simple little collections of words that spill out without thought. Clippings, hand-drawn works, poems and more will adorn the crisp pages, and then maybe I'll feel like something has been created.

Anyway, it is here I begin a new chapter, a new means of documentation, a new cycle that needs to last.
It's here we'll journey into the unseen and unfathomed, and I'll record it in the way I can.

Thankyou for being to me exactly what I needed. And need.
Yours,
Jessie.