in dedication.

you love her like a dog loves its owner.
and the owner loves the dog for so doing.
you'll hurt her. you'll never forgive her.
of course i'll forgive her. i *have* forgiven her. without forgiveness we're savages. you're drowning.

you think love is simple. you think the heart is like a diagram.
have you ever seen a human heart? it looks like a fist, wrapped in blood! go fuck yourself! you writer! you liar!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDL8juJ5uBc&feature=related
most breathtaking opening sequence from any movie i've ever seen.

heart stealer.

what goes unseen can't hide in eternity.
what locks itself away won't be held.
what is deemed right is only a matter of opinion.
what presents a lie couldn't live unscathed.
what masquerades is eventually uncloaked.
what floats in limbo may never know resolve.
what clings to truth is a self-made masochist.
what remains silent yearns to be freed.
what captures must be ready to be caged.
what defines love is as subjective as it comes.
what chases reflections will shatter the looking glass.
what forces creation has monstrous potential.
what collects keys is a master of emotion.
what revels in desire won't be satiated.
what keeps another's soul is a thief in their own right.
what loses, learns.

~

so many thoughts.
so many feelings.
i can't put them into words.
not just yet.

babylon.

i'll tell you a story.
ages ago, there was a people; a united empire who all spoke the same language. as a display of their might and valour, they endeavoured to build a tower so magnificent that it would reach the heavens, whereby they may be remembered eternally. god saw this as an act of defiance and arrogance against he who created them, and so proceeded to confuse their language. all now speaking in different tongues, the people were divided, and lost from one another. communication failed, and humankind was doomed.

and here we are. wandering the face of the earth. grasping pathetically for one another.
desperate.
trying to attach meaning to things, trying to feel something, anything.
we don't understand, and we can't express. we talk, but we rarely connect.
we're inherently flawed, that much is clear.
always wanting more, always searching for the one thing that we think may make us happy.
someone else who gets it.

there's an old theory that depicts how mankind used to be. there were 3 different types of people - a man and a man fused together, a woman and a woman fused together, and a woman and a man fused together - all joined at their backs. it goes that, somewhere along the line, we were all split apart from our matches, and now we will be forever searching for completeness, our counterparts. we'll never rest until we've filled that void.

so there it is again.
desperation.
the gods punished us once more for possibly thinking that we were invincible.
so we'll wander around in circles eternally. we'll never find our way.
we'll be momentarily happy, but, though we can technically put our bodies back together with our other halves, our souls could never be one again.

i like the idea of pre-assigned cosmic lovers.
but i don't think we should be looking to find happiness within another.
i believe we should learn to be lonely, to seek solace within ourselves.
that's not to say we can't find perfection with someone else - i know it exists. it's encouraging induviduality, stimulation, and controversy.
and when we do meet our match, we'll learn to speak in one another's tongues, and maybe rediscover ourselves along the way.

and i'll be honest; i'm enjoying the wander.

its love.

you know what is incredibly refreshing?
disliking something for so long. and then one day trying it again, and realising that you were wrong. surprisingly enough, i like being wrong a lot of the time. it challenges me and makes me re-think any preconceived notions i may have had.
i like to question and consider.

so, the point is, we went to get bubble tea this afternoon. and i am now hooked.

a stone.

i remembered a night of pure perfection.
it was february, or thereabouts, and the air was warm and thick.
we were on a night-time wander that took us down to the esplanade.
there were palm trees fronting a black river which lay not so far away.
a band was playing in a pseudo-tent which had been raised near the glass pyramid.
we lay on our backs on the gass, staring at a sky smothered with stars.
okkervil river sung "a stone", and i remember trying to make him smile.
the city lights were stunning, holding as much promise and wonder as you could imagine.
i stroked his hair as he melted into my arms.
i was complete for the merest of moments. life returned as fast as it had stopped.
the clocks continued to spin and whirr, but i felt changed.
it was just a night, but i'll always remember it when that song plays.
the lovliest words, whispered and meant.

i'll be the princess - lovely, stubborn and brave.
you'll be the stone.
and i'll wait in awe for the knave with the solitary rose.

*smiles*

longing.

seeing live music always pains me a little inside.
there's really not much else that i enjoy as much, and yet it also has this miraculous way of making me feel melancholy.
lately, i've found myself longing desperately to be the one on stage. baring my soul and singing evocative lyrics that have come from my heart; bringing my own poetry to the masses.
last night was certainly no exception. i distanced myself from the others, and sat mesmerised on a tattered velvet chair, dreaming of the day that it would be me at the microphone.

i did, however, receive my long lost keyboard the other day, by means of delivery from a boy and a taxi. i can't express how glad i am to have it back. aside from now being able to practise for my singing exam (i am going for level 6 and 7 in the coming months), i'll be able to sit down and write properly. it's going to be a struggle to find a place for it in my wallpapered room full of old-time curios and books, but oh so worth it. if only i could find the adaptor so it actually works...




[update] i am going to start doing some open mic stuff around the city i've decided. and hopefully that will flow into doing jazz at bars, until i find my feet with my own material. i am excited.
also, i am performing this weekend. let me know if you would like details.

opposite and the truth.

what is the opposite of being in love?

the popular belief is that it is hate. but i disagree.
to hate someone is something big. it requires a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, and a lot of energy. hate is similar to love in that it involves investing feeling within, or because of someone. it arouses reactions similar to love as well - frustration, strength, and even giddiness at times. when you hate, you are focusing yourself on another person. so, fundamentally, it is ridiculously similar to love.

no, i think the opposite of being in love is being in "numb". i've spoken of this before. it's not feeling anything at all, really. and sometimes, it's barely even thinking. to be numb is to not care either way what happens. when you don't react to the things someone in love, or someone in hate, would react to, you know you are in numb.

the trouble is, i truly don't have the capacity to hate. i've tried, believe me. but i'll always be the one to forgive and forget, and to see the best in people. human nature is so formidable that people can change so fast. and i don't think i'll ever stop waiting for that. this part of me has made me numb. i find it almost amusing all the things that have been thrown my way lately. and i've dealt with them. i haven't cried from pure sadness in a while, which worries me, because somehow, i have become a little numb. i've seen things for what they are, and tried to rouse emotion within myself, but failed. so i just stood by, while everyone around me spat fire and profanities, tried in vain to comfort, and attempted to resolve what was happening to me. i just stood by.

i now know that i have been in love twice. the first lasted for what seemed like a lifetime, and though it was everything i believed love to be, it was marked with hate and numbness too. it contained many qualities that a great love should be without, and yet i'd never change anything for the world. i don't think i will ever get over my first love completely. i am wholly at peace with that fact though. there's a stark difference between letting something go and getting over it. i'd never want to go back, but i'll never, ever let go of the memories.
you will never understand how i got through it. but i did.

the second love was more recent, and so fleeting that i would question it's existence at all if i didn't understand myself so well. i did, however, question my belief in people. i am so child-like in my trust. but at the same time, i have begun to expect the worst. so when things were smashed again, i barely reacted. and though i was initially scared of numbness settling in, i don't think feeling that way has stolen my ability to love by any means. so i'm really ok.

i think i lost the point of this blog somewhere along the line. its hard to be coherent when you have a vast array of thoughts streaming from your consious (and sub-concious), and keep being interrupted by work commitments.
but, i've resolved a few emotions within me, and thats all that really matters. with every step, i understand more.

i can say a million things that the world wants me to say about the situation. disgust. hate. anger. repulsion, dissapointment. loathing,
but the truth is, i'll never forget either of you.

great cats.

they say a leopard never changes his spots.
oh so true.

let you down once, let you down eternally.
lie to you once, lie to you forever.
take you for granted once, he will never realise your full potential.
you're a leopard.




cheetahs are unique in their speed and stealth.
unique, yes, and deadly.

pounce on you, take you unawares.
steal the air out of your sigh, leaving you infatuated.
he runs so fast in the other direction, you'll never catch up.
you're a cheetah.



the thing about tigers is, they rely on their camouflage.
i saw through it.

long to fit in, live to hide.
potential to be amazing, but no lion's courage.
stunning when seen, don't forget he's vicious.
you're a tiger.



3 different people. but they are all just great cats.
why do i always find myself with the leopards and cheetahs and tigers of the world?

first masterpiece in the works.

yesterday, i began to write my first song.
sitting down at an amazing old piano and resting my fingers on the slightly dusty keys had me inspired. and the first chord i played reached into my subconscious, managing to say everything i wanted. it followed from there.
i never really thought i'd be the one to make the melody, but once i started i just couldn't stop. every note i played just seemed to fit, and the next and the next flowed so seamlessly. something about my foot on the pedal, the lack of light in the room, or maybe the fact that the piano was in need of a tuning swept me up and let me create.

if you are wondering how the final result will sound, i would hope that it would sound a little like 8mm. smooth, intriguing vocals, haunting lyrics, and piano turns throughout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCv0rm0ugig&feature=related



and now? now i am listening to some old jazz.

an update.

whats going on in jessie-land you ask?
here's an update.

i love my new job. i can't put my finger on what exactly it is about it, but i feel challenged and removed from my comfort zone, and i like that. they have ordered business cards for me too, how professional.

my hair is changing today. its going to be interesting to see people's reactions when i become almost unrecognisable. but, it's time for a transformation, and i know just where i want to go.

my favourite band is coming to perth. my reaction was pretty ridiculous when i found out they were coming, and believe me, i'll be queued for my ticket. it will be intriguing to see some of the songs that have made me feel so much manifest themselves into a tangible form.

i'm performing next week. "for good" from wicked. "someone like you" from jekyll and hyde. "all i ask of you" from phantom of the opera. though i am expanding my horizons musically, theatre will always comprise my root system. and i'll always return to it when i'm lost, along with the piano.

the bus has been a time for writing as of late. diary, pen, thoughts streaming. it's a mess of notes at the moment, but one day, i'll blow you away. secret for now though. shh.

i want to watch wicker park again.

oh, and i'm listening to:
- regurgitator: the song formerly known as
- elvis costello: alison
- robyn: anything you like
- death cab for cutie: cath...
- david bowie: changes
- liz phair: explain it to me
- jose gonzalez: heartbeats
- feist: i feel it all
- primal scream: higher than the sun

full moon.

it lingers in a wisp of mist.
luminous against a changed blanket of sky.
time is tumultuous and untame; the orb remains.
captivate me.

walk with me in the moonlight.
my cheeks blushed from the icy air.
tension under cedar and oak.
i'm almost scared to move.

hold me close in the moonlight.
fragile cold hands meet creased warm hands.
tell me it's going to be ok.
it's all i ever wanted to know.

kiss me softly in the moonlight.
it's the last night where we'll be whole.
savour it, chase it, let it go.
the world will never be the same.

and so let me believe.

are you ready, maybe? i know where to run.
are you ready to let yourself drown?
are you holding your breath?
are you ready or not?

are you ready, maybe, too long to confess.
do you feel that you're already numb?
are you sure of yourself, would you lie if you're not?

you tire me out.
i won't let it happen.

just who.

days ago someone asked me the question "who is jessie?"
and it got me thinking.
it's so often that i ask the ambiguous question of others, but what would i say when confronted with the query myself, from the other side? my brain stuttered a little at the time, and i produced some sort of half-hearted answer that questioned little and presented only a glimpse of the truth.
now however, after mulling over it a few days, i've been able to piece something together.
and so it goes, or at least, i'll touch the surface.

first and foremost, i consider myself an idealist. this definition is pretty much on par with the way i am - "a person who holds fancies in mind".
i like to see the world my way. i recognise all the potential and wonder around me, but sometimes i see more ideals than practicalities. i am a dreamer.

thats not to say i'm not a realist. when i need to, i can wipe away pretense and veils to see what is really there. i am good at figuring out people and understanding their motives. i crave the truth more than anything. sometimes i don't even care about whether it's something i want to hear. just to know it, to hold it in the palm of my hand, is worth everything to me.

i long to create. i feel stifled when the opportunity is taken away from me. i've opened a doorway to my soul with my writing, and now it's something i can't imagine being without. the keys to that doorway are things and people that inspire me, move me, make me think about things in a different light. in turn, i like to be those things to other people.
and yet there are still times when i feel my intelligence is put to waste.

i will give other people everything. i'll love unconditionally without thought. if you're worthy of my affections, i'll let you into my soul, and turn your world upside down, inside out. i let myself be swept up in the moment, and give into my whims whenever i can. i won't ever stop feeling.

i'm happy. i'm quirky. i'm bubbly. i'm temperamental. i'm incendiary. i'm outlandish. i'm a perfectionist. i'm caring. i'm tempestuous. i'm reflective.
i'm a maze of brambles and tulips.

i worry. i forgive. i lean. i preen. i manifest. i conjure. i stress. i jump. i think. i release.
i love, i don't hate.

so, there is your answer. a scratch on a surface.
elsewise, explore and implore away.

paranoia.

what is this feeling within me?
bubbling in the pit of my stomach, making me short of breath, my pores tingle.
dread. uncertainty. worry.
paranoia.
eating, eating me up. i can't help it.
gnawing at my bones like a rabid dog. scavenging my flesh like a sneering vulture.
shaking, but only just. or maybe it's merely the cold.
sleep it away. delve into dreams.
calm yourself, jessie.

sorry.

sorry.
i'm sorry.
what does sorry mean anymore?

it used to be a word i demanded constantly. 5 letters, and it would all be ok. the simplest of combinations can have the greatest of effects. flames could be re-kindled. bridges could be re-built. bonds could be re-sewn.
but now, to me, it's just a word.

you can say sorry all you like. but it is what you do after you have uttered those two syllables that will mean the most to me. i don't care for sorry anymore. it means nothing. i'll appreciate it, but i won't necessarily believe you. fundamentally, its your actions that will scream to me, demand attention and a reaction, not the words with which you choose to label them.

we all fuck up. human nature forges it to be so. but if you can show me that you are dextrous enough to mend things, or even simply make a different choice next time the paradigm comes along, you will rule my heart and i'll be in awe.

sorry is sometimes saying that you've changed. and that change makes you regret your actions. you're embarrassed. seethe and simmer all you like; or deal with every moment after you make that realisation in a way that you are proud of. and i'll be your friend.

i've had too many sorries over the last years to believe in them anymore.
its time for you to sit down and stop being the person you fucking hate.





appendix: my "you" is wholly subjective. as ever.

no one is alone.

on saturday night, i went to a musical.
i'd not been to one in a long while, and though it was not the best i had seen, it still found a way to reach out to me. aside from all the silliness and comic relief, there were amazing compositions and some great performances.

the song "no one is alone" particularly touched me. it showed that, no matter what happens to you, what stands in your way, things are what you make of them. and the real truth is the decisions you make for yourself, and the person you decide to be.

i've noticed that there is good and bad in this world. things can get so dark sometimes that it is hard to see a way out. and people can let you down so completely.
but you decide what is right ultimately.

pull yourself up, and forge your own journey. trust me, you will be so proud of yourself in the end.




and as a side thought:
i love letting someone enter my world, and showing them the things that make me who i am. stimulating thought within another person is something i live for, and i will always endeavor to enrich the lives, and minds, of those i care for.
thankyou for letting me take you.
and thankyou for buying me the book i've just begun to read.

no one is alone.

job -> career

jessie has a new job.
and she is pretty damn excited.

it will be working for dimension data, in the learning solutions division.
the title is a branch co-ordinator, which is a combined role of acting as the office manager, and also being the executive assistant to the wa manager. so yep, lots of influence and responsibility.
the company is basically a training centre, focusing on IT and business development. it is an international organisation, which also has many offices in the eastern states.

i guess the most awesome part of the job is the perks. to start, a great salary and bonuses. plus my phone, internet, lunch, and various other things are all paid for by the company. we are also given a holiday to the eastern states once a year.

the career progression is also another fantastic element. the national human resources manager is flying out from sydney to meet me in 6 months to map out my career with the company - with the view to me assuming a position in HR, recruitment, or business improvement in the near future. plus, the likelihood of me being able to work over in the eastern states is very high.

so i guess you could say that it is all happening for me right now.
and the flowers delivered to me at work today didn't hurt either :)

black flower blossoms.

listening to "tear drop" by massive attack at 2:42 in the morning does wonders for the soul.
"gentle impulsion shakes me, makes me lighter"

its been an interesting night.
i got dressed. black dress. scarf with the hearts. white lace gloves.
i painted my face. eyelashes as long as you could imagine. living doll, almost.
dancing with the lights off with a suspender clad boy. i hate you, but i love you, housemate.
"tear drop on the fire, feathers on my breath"

a phone conversation.
passionate and raw, i think i understand, at least a little. don't be afraid. only you have the power for change, and i believe in you whole-heartedly. the world is inside you, its just up to you to harness it; live as you will. live as you want.
"water is my eye, most faithful mirror"

taxi, taxi.
inside just as the day of supposed bad luck ended, then squashed frogs at the bar as usual. dancing - free, wild, organic and graceful. i can't feel my feet anymore. i can feel my heart beating in it's cavity. numerous propositions, but all i can think of is you. i was then abandoned, ran into someone i would rather not see, and hailed a ride home. i'm still tipsy.
"love is a verb, love is a doing word"

now sleep.

on repeat.

i can't write tonight.
i am going to forget about you.

instead, here is what i am listening to.
go add these to your playlist:
goldfrapp - a&e
gotye - heart's a mess
regina spektor - samson
cibo mato - sugar water
the knife - heartbeats
m.i.a - paper planes
the bird and the bee - how deep is your love
city and colour - waiting
the wombats - kill the director
death cab for cutie - i will possess your heart
van morrisson - have i told you lately
okkervil river - a stone

jessie in a song right now?
mandy moore - gardenia

enjoy.

silly and predictable.

there's a haiku poem inside of my head, but the words are written in invisible ink.
now the world is changing, i can barely keep up;
what was hot is over, what was down is not.
now adam and eve are trying to split up.
and i can't take anymore, cause i just want you to _ me.

behind the rain clouds.

there is a time in your life when you need to halt all motion, and decide on the sort of person you want to be.
will you be the one to run and hide?
to stand on your own and paint the world as you see fit?
to give in to outlying forces and never grab hold of the one thing that could make you blissfully happy?
to overcome, and be the best you can be?
this is the junction i stand at.

i know what it is like to lose many of the things i hold dear.

a great love, turned to dust before my eyes. my best friend, suddenly a stranger whose eyes i couldn't meet. my protector, now harsh and cold. foreign.
a home that i had adorned with my soul suddenly morphed into a space that couldn't hold these new emotions. feelings that had always slithered within the walls no longer existed, now that the partnership was broken. what was now was no longer, and the lifestyle i knew vanished into thin air.
my precious kittens, whom i had poured so much affection into, had to stay. i knew it was best, and yet it broke my heart all the same that i wouldn't have them climbing over me in the morning, green eyes gleaming.
gone was the warm body lying next to me. gone were the familiar tunes played by the band next door. gone was my confidant and new family. gone.

i met someone who made me feel seasick. but the new relationship was over before i knew it. just when i realised i would love again soon, everything was thrown on the floor and the mess was left to ignore. i was already falling. its so fucking hard to admit. ideas, lists and conversations that held all the potential in the world were shredded. the pieces are still in a pile. there's glue over there.
naturally, the job followed. when you are too uncomfortable to go into the workplace you had enjoyed for so long, consider it lost. feel silly for missing it, ridiculous because of the reason why, but you can't go back.
gone was my new inspiration. gone were the fireworks and butterflies i hadn't felt for years. gone was my first proper job.

don't be too quick to leave your life at the door for someone else. oh, but we know i'd do it all again. i don't think i'll ever stop trusting to be honest. i think one day my optimism will pay off.

so i am at this junction, right?
and what am i, who do i want to be?
i'll be the one that got over all of this. improved, enhanced, understanding - ready for it all to crash down again. i'll always follow my heart, because i honestly think that is the best way to live. i'll be happy and noone will understand why.
i'll never regret a thing, because at the time, i'll always do what i believe is right. i'll always and always stay true to myself.

i cried while i wrote this. but i've emerged in a totally different mindset. strong, so strong. and feeling to the fullest extent again.

good.

Holden Caulfield.

"You're a real prince. You're a gentleman and a scholar, kid."

The Catcher in the Rye is a truly enchanting tale.
Holden uses such interesting language, I wish people still spoke that way.
Maybe I'll try to be as eloquent.








Update: I am feeling marginally better.

spades and hearts.

so it happened.
i became numb.
a queen in a cage.

i never though i'd say this.
i was petrified of it happening.
but you get to a point where you can't handle anymore.
you can break down.
or you can decide to see everything, but block the feeling.

i never, ever wanted it to be this way.
i always told myself it would be so much better to feel.
but then maybe i never knew how things could be.
becoming like the knights who showed me it was possible.
stab after stab, and i was gone.

save me.
mustering the feeling in the first place seems near impossible.
and the gallant knave doesn't exist, i've found.
life deals the cards - black and red printed on more than paper.
you're silly if you think you have control.

the middle ground was always going to be the worst.
not afraid to crash and burn, willing to love too.
but numbness and limbo took control.
stuck.

let me master my ace.
let me feel something.

typical;;'

the best things in life aren't typographically correct apostrophes.

have a good long think about that, and i think you will see what i mean.

sing without a song.

You step behind a curtain
In a moment you were gone.
Nothing's ever certain
And it's hard to carry on.

This is not what we planned
And I know its hard to understand
But if this isn't what you want then,
If this isn't what you need pry my fingers from your hand.

And maybe it's just meant to be
Maybe you'll find a way to haunt me
Come back and sing a melody to me.

Maybe we're just lost at sea
Maybe I'm holding on to driftwood
And I'll be alright if you could
Sing to me.

Help me make sense of what I don't understand.

because we are small.

as i watched the events of today unfold, i couldn't help thinking that life is elaborate and vast.

morning was spent lazily, slowly. in bed, room was a mess. i did some hunting for a while for something in particular on my mac. wait, its barely morning anymore. stumble to the bathroom. break the tap again. blue dress, the one that was in my dream. i was almost late for the bus.

one phone call and a train ride later, i wasn't sure how to feel. disappointed, that is precise; let down is also another way. sad that things had concluded, but relieved that i discovered that the person wasn't at all who i thought they were. longing again for something that resembles what i was hoping it to be. trust is paramount to me. as they say in "closer", without the truth, we are animals. i won't wear emotions on my sleeve anymore. or i'll try, at least. you are fake.

burgers in a diner with a great friend formed mid-day, where ramblings took control. i am glad that i met her, as despite the fact that it was so recent, i identify with her and she makes me happy. goldfrapp's "time out from the world" was playing in the store we wandered into. moving, paradise, involved; it was love. saw a supposed criminal recognised by watching the news. sat on swings. my foot went numb and i couldn't walk for a while. i will miss her when she goes, soon.

i made the afternoon as i went. i hadn't been to the alexander library for a while, but i was instantly glad when i entered the glass lift. i searched for sheet music of some old folk tunes. the books were all out though. the art gallery was next. i saw some wondrous works, as a music box played dulcet tones in the background. 190 gerberas squashed for years under a pane of glass, mouldy by now. a giant cardboard box with peepholes, each revealing a different, tiny panorama. cranberry juice for me, coffee for them, followed in the cafe.

i had some thoughts, too. i want to hone my writing ability to the extent where i can begin to generate music - lyrics and maybe even melodies as well. it is something i desperately long for, and i think i am getting there. lately i've been scribbling ideas all over tickets and receipts so they don't get lost in the depths of my imagination before i have a chance to write them out later. i also want to harness my senses more, and do more things which inspire me. i made a little list of some interesting adventures i want to go on, and it is this week's assignment to get a few of those done. i've already teed up a few partners to embark with me. i began to collect free postcards again. they are going to form a mural in the hallway perhaps, the green walls are looking a little bare.

and the evening? though its only just begun, i've been thinking and writing a great deal. but some of these works shan't be posted on here. at least, not just yet. now, i am going for a meeting. he'll pick me up in his car, and we'll go for coffee and a discussion in the place with the paper lanterns (i'm not sure of the name). then i'll sleep in freshly laundered sheets, and dream of the world again.



god, i love ambiguity.
its forming the basis of many goings on for me as of late, but doesn't it just make things all the more entertaining?

and we all love a big, fucking play.

a walk to revere.

so. he showed up on my porch in running gear. we were going to get some fresh air into our lungs and get our heart rates going. or so we thought.

another joined us, unexpectedly, as we were almost out of the door. we left, and the first thing i noticed was a neighbors lawn adorned with blush petals from the over hanging cherry tree. and i knew there would be more to see.

we walked further north at first, past the antique stores. the garden shop. we found a laundromat. admired the old houses with their standard rose bushes of varying colours. we took a turn and followed a road full of undulations, all the while exchanging ideas in the form of a (somewhat) witty banter. we peeped into someone's front yard, to find two incredibly wrinkled dogs. we decided we would walk to the river at that point.

we walked through a previously undiscovered strip of shops. we had $1 to our names, which we decided to spend on some incense from a tiny asian store. we reached the river eventually. found a nice bench. lit some incense, and practised made-up yoga. there was a playground different from all the rest. we climbed, and slid, and jumped, and got sand in our shoes. we saw two drangonflys zipping through the air, while mating, while being chased by another, while also being chased by a hungry willy wag-tail. i did cartwheels. he hung from a tree, like a monkey, and did chin ups. more discussion.

time to walk back home. i noticed a gun shop on the way. funny, in wonder how many they sell a day. we decided that we would like to go to church on a sunday soon. just for an experience. noticed a freemason's building (1937) that had been painted midnight blue, i wished i could look inside. we descended down a street that was preparing for a verge collection. i found an old, green chair with a certain sheen to it that i loved. he carried it over his shoulders for me, all the way home. there was a tree in someone's front yard that had been completely consumed by vines.

and two hours later, we were back. i can't describe how amazing this outing was, all i can do is list the things we saw and did. but it was incredible. and it made me notice that there is so much that goes unnoticed. i bet the owner of the house with the tree has never thought anything of it. i bet the person who discarded that chair simply saw it as an old thing. i bet onlookers thought we were silly for climbing trees and doing cartwheels.

but i will notice, and see, and enjoy, and understand.
and i'm ready to do it all again, just in a different setting.

the things list.

just as a side note:

she has a new music obsession - the bird and the bee.
she burnt the inside of her arm while draining pasta.
she had a fight with her dad over the phone.
she is about to go for a wander around her suburb with her best friend.
she smoked for the first time last night. and no, she's not proud. she just needed to calm her nerves.
she feels rather listless.
she is ready to let go if she has to. but that doesn't mean she wants to.
she felt pretty when she went out last night.
she needs to tidy her room.
she wants to think of more complex things, but she is always drawn back to that one character that plays on her mind.
she is going to do something productive.

when we

i feel fragile.
i think that is the simplest way to put it. but really, its much more intricate than that. so many emotions are coursing through my system, the good and the bad, some strange, some familiar.

its so hard to learn how to trust again when all your walls have been broken down. i don't necessarily mean telling someone your deepest secrets&desires; i mean investing your emotions within someone without fear, taking a chance, and giving your "self" away. i want to trust so so much. and i thought i was getting there, but events of last night made me take a step back. and now i am scared all over again.

i wish i could let you in so you could understand this. you are the only thing that is making sense to me right now. i know what i feel, and its compelling, and crazy, and it needs to be set free.
when i am with you, everything else in this silly world seems to slip away.
when we talk, i am inspired, and i want to know more, as much as i can.
when we run outside in the freezing cold just to "feel", my pulse quickens, because its you.

as it goes, we are living in a world of fools. breaking us down.
breathe, and resist.

when we kiss, it's all worth it.

28

blog views in one day.
who is even reading these?

confused.

this little girl can't get one thing off her mind.
she has tried. but she fought sleep all night to remain conscious so she could let herself be carried away by these thoughts. she was actually overjoyed everytime she woke up throughout the night, because it was a chance to think some more.

ridiculous. don't get ahead of yourself.

she actually thinks that maybe she has found what she was looking for. the way she is feeling inside is exactly what she wanted, isn't it? but part of her considers it wrong to be feeling so happy. part of her is scared. isn't this how she felt before, those years ago? and what happened before? she was hurt. she doesn't care, she'll take her chances.

it's too soon. slow down.
i don't know if i want to.

my words.

written may 29, i forgot to add it.


"i like them because i can see you running through those thoughts as you pen them down. it's a little 'stream of consciousness', a little reflection & a whole lot of vivid imagery."



this is a friend's outlook on my writing.

it made me bubble inside, because this is exactly what i want to achieve. and for someone to recognise this means the world to me.

i don't want to win awards, or be politically correct. or even necessarily be accurate. i just want to maybe let someone else catch a glimpse of the world through my eyes, the richness of my view, and the perceptions of my experiences.



thankyou mr s for your kind words.

i feel inspired again.

raptures.

tonight, i spent more time with someone i mentioned in an earlier blog.
and so the story continues.

we barely stopped talking the entire night. we spoke of the past, the future, the real and the fake. our aspirations, our beginnings, our secrets and lies. we only watched 20 minutes of our movie because talking felt so much better.
he intrigues me. he takes my breath away.

it's been a long while since i felt so comfortable with someone. like i could share my deepest desires and fears with him, and he would accept me and understand me. in turn, i love to listen to him talk. the passion and emotion he conveys through his words captivates me, and i am left longing for more.

he held my hand. i was nervous.
the instant he left, i wish he had stayed.
he is on my mind, and he'll remain there.
i am in raptures and i feel a spark.

time will tell.

poetry.

in my day to day happenings, there have recently been many things that have caught my eye in this world.
were they always there? is it just that i have only begun to engage my senses and notice things? i am not sure.

this morning when i woke up i lay still in bed, not thinking, just listening. and what i heard captivated me. a few birds, of different varieties it seemed, were speaking with one another. it may sound ridiculous, but it seemed perfectly obvious to me (and anyone else who may have been listening) that they were in conversation. one high-pitched chirp here, a guttural coo there, a series of harsh squarks, and i was intrigued.

but it wasn't just that occurrence that revealed poetry in a tangible form to me.

it was the fog that lined my window when i woke up in the middle of the night, a tangled pattern woven by droplets running down the pane.

it was the crop of sour grass i noticed on the way to my parent's the other day, and the memories of eating it as a child, even though i have no recollection of it ever tasting nice.

it was being exposed to some new beautiful music, that made me think "this is so me right now", and feeling the acoustic melodies manifesting my emotions from thin air.

it was seeing someone who i had known always as a child, and realising that they were well and truly grown up. it had all happened before my eyes, but had gone unnoticed for a time.

it was staring out the window at work to a grey city in the early morning, and recognising at once all the promise, and horror, that the world held. the rain began to fall in a pristine sequence, and i let it be.

it was the redness of the sunset shining through the fluffiest clouds yesterday afternoon, contrasting with the blue sky and reminding me of a joni mitchell song where we only know things by how we look at them. when we look at things in a different way, we really don't know them at all.

its all these little things that go unseen as we go about our days. but now, my eyes are open, and i am enjoying the view.
pure poetry.

making some sense.

i've not blogged in a few days.
i guess because the multitude of feelings and thoughts that have been streaming through my conscious (and subconscious) mind are confusing me so, and i am not sure if i can put them into words.

i'll try to lay everything out as best as i can.

first of all, i am discontented. there is something about the direction i am headed in career-wise that i am not happy with. i am longing for something more - the ability to use my creativity, to feel like i am doing valuable work, and to be kept busy. right now i am merely one of the masses, plugging in information in a robotic manner, speaking from a pre-conceived script. i need something more, or i feel like eventually my mind will have become stagnant and beyond repair. i think i am going to have a hunt around for something *else*.

to combat these feelings of mediocrity, i have begun to start reading again, seriously. i have always had a long shopping list of books that i would read "one day". and why not start now? browsing bookshops with a friend, i was handed "the catcher in the rye", an all-time literary great. i've only just begun to flip through the pages, but already i am associating with the protagonist, holden, if only concerning his teenage angst.

i felt like i explored my new suburb a little more yesterday. my legs still ache slightly from a journey to the beginning of the mt lawley cafe strip from my house in inglewood by foot. i guess it was the overflowing circles of conversation that kept me entertained and not realise the distance, but we'll get to the later.
i noticed new quirky shops and interesting cafes, and hence now have an agenda of places to visit and sample. the vietnamese takeaway shop was crossed off the list of things to try last night, but it will definitely be returned to.

i like catching up with old friends. there are some people who you may not see for a while, but when you spend time with them again, it feels like moments never passed and there is simply just more to be said. there is something refreshing in having someone really "know" you. someone who can pre-empt your reactions, and know the right advice to give. someone who can pick you up when you are feeling low, and help you clear things up when you are confused.

in turn, i like spending time with new friends. i met someone who i had not previously hung out with in the real world, and what happened was not what i expected. there are few people that you meet that you feel you really connect with. and he is one of those people. we never stopped talking, we found so many common interests, and when we parted all i could think of was the next time that we would be able to share ideas and perceptions again.
i will write more about this when i know more.

i am sick of feeling sick. for more than 2 weeks now, i have had a stabbing pain in my abdomen, sometimes feeling like a huge needle, other times feeling like i've been punched. it's leading to me missing many days of work, and while doctors are still trying to get to the bottom of it, sometimes i am in near-agony.

i think this is all for now. once i have consolidated my feelings a little more, i'll extrapolate on a few of these themes.