i like having things to look forward to, and lately, there have been plenty.
i am looking forward to dinner tonight in leederville with a new good friend. the suburb captivates me - the old, cottage style houses contrasting with the mod apartments, the quirky stores and vibrant cafes, and the thought-provoking films held at the luna.
i am looking forward to the weekend and the promise it holds. dancing like crazy, intellectual conversations, coffee dates minus the coffee, finding more quirky objects for my new house, and listening to new music leant to me by a friend.
i am looking forward to winter nights in our new house. the possibility of conrad the stray cat returning, cuddling up on the couch with my awesome housemates, whipping up masterpieces in the kitchen again, boardgame nights, rain on my windows, and hanging out in my room from another era.
i am looking forward to a long overdue trip to the zoo. seeing the new red panda cub, playing on the cool swings, strolling among nature, and the ferry ride there of course.
i like how life rolls along.
sometimes i feel like i am not in control of what happens, and i like it that way. its good to know that things will unfold in their own way, and all i can do is tag along and see where the leash directs me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
a tale oneday.
i made a decision the other day.
i am going to write a book.
yes, yes, i know - it sounds ridiculously trite and cliche. but i feel the need to pen down my life experiences thus far in a narrative form before i forget how things felt, and they become just a picture in my mind.
it will probably take years to finish, but it is something i really want to do.
it will follow a thought process... back and forth through times past and present, as convoluted as my imagination. it will be peppered with embellishments that admit themselves openly, and it will hold the fascination and intrigue i view the world with.
but first of all, i need to decide what i want to achieve by writing it. otherwise, it will end up like all my other pieces of work - romantic, lyrical and stark, but with no real point.
i am going to write a book.
yes, yes, i know - it sounds ridiculously trite and cliche. but i feel the need to pen down my life experiences thus far in a narrative form before i forget how things felt, and they become just a picture in my mind.
it will probably take years to finish, but it is something i really want to do.
it will follow a thought process... back and forth through times past and present, as convoluted as my imagination. it will be peppered with embellishments that admit themselves openly, and it will hold the fascination and intrigue i view the world with.
but first of all, i need to decide what i want to achieve by writing it. otherwise, it will end up like all my other pieces of work - romantic, lyrical and stark, but with no real point.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
save these questions for another day.
playing billy joel on the piano moves me.
it takes me back to the memory of my mother playing the same piece before bed, all those years ago.
it was raining outside, and our pajamas were warm out of the dryer. the black dog was curled up by the heater, and there was a minty taste in my mouth from having just brushed my teeth.
it makes me think, how far we have come.
despite the fact that i like to think i am young, i realise more and more each day that i am living an adult life.
when did i grow up?
*shrugs* i think i'll just go play piano again and not worry about the world.
how childish.
it takes me back to the memory of my mother playing the same piece before bed, all those years ago.
it was raining outside, and our pajamas were warm out of the dryer. the black dog was curled up by the heater, and there was a minty taste in my mouth from having just brushed my teeth.
it makes me think, how far we have come.
despite the fact that i like to think i am young, i realise more and more each day that i am living an adult life.
when did i grow up?
*shrugs* i think i'll just go play piano again and not worry about the world.
how childish.
elation /of sorts
written may 14
the air was cold and sharp this morning as i walked to the train station.
some beautiful orange tulips were delivered to me at work from a mystery sender.
i found a quaint house to call our own, with a stone fireplace in my room.
and i reconciled with someone this evening. we chatted like time never passed.
i hope he knows what he means to me.
oh boy.
written march 12
boy.
you are not the one who i thought would hurt me.
you are not the one who people will think you are when they read this.
you are not the one who will even glance at my writings.
myspace is too trivial.
you are the one i've only just begun to discover.
you are the one who i have found some solace in.
you are the one who picked me up, engaged my mind.
my heart was too trivial.
i think about you lots.
i'm sorry, but i'm not.
i wish we talked again.
i don't know if we will.
i miss you. you hurt me.
i don't know why.
you're not too trivial, for me.
boy.
you are not the one who i thought would hurt me.
you are not the one who people will think you are when they read this.
you are not the one who will even glance at my writings.
myspace is too trivial.
you are the one i've only just begun to discover.
you are the one who i have found some solace in.
you are the one who picked me up, engaged my mind.
my heart was too trivial.
i think about you lots.
i'm sorry, but i'm not.
i wish we talked again.
i don't know if we will.
i miss you. you hurt me.
i don't know why.
you're not too trivial, for me.
meetings and movings.
written may 11
but it really wasn't a first meeting at all, as we realised we had known each other in a previous phase of life. how interesting.
i am looking forward to having a place of my own again.
it's not that i am unhappy here, i actually have it very well. but i crave a sense of freedom, and the ability to do things for myself and on my own terms.
i cannot wait to cook again. it is one of the things i miss the most about living out of home, and i am eager to having people to whip up masterpieces for. hehe.
i have decided i want my house to be full of mis-matched, art deco wonders, with every piece having a different story behind it. with lots of cool artworks and free postcards all over the walls.
it will be lots of fun. and i do realise i am struggling to be eloquent tonight; it has been a big weekend which also incorporated a trip to the country.
nonetheless, i am generally excited and enthralled with life.
and don't worry, you can come over any time :)
rechabites.
written may 11.
i hadn't been to see a play in so so long, and it was fantastic.
it made me think about a few things.
the raw emotion and expression that can be conveyed through people's faces.
the concept of a 'life journey'.
the meaning of family and a sense of place.
how we immerse ourselves in the superficial more than we know it.
how a simple, intellectual evening can be incredible.
and how much i love to hear other people's stories. why they are who they are and how they came to be...
people are such intricate creatures, and i can't help but be inquisitive.
thankyou for the evening.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
facing up.
written may 6.
there is a time in our lives when we have to come to accept who we are.
once upon a time, everything i did was governed by what was said to be cool, what the social 'norm' was.
but now, i have broken free.
i don't care anymore what other people think of me, and i have come to embrace my little complexities that make me who i am.
the thing i have realised is, that when you recognise, and come to love, all your little quirks, people can see how happy you are about them, and then suddenly everything you do is cool.
i can admit everything about myself, and it is so refreshing.
i can admit that i love to read both trashy books, and history.
that i have tried an internet dating website.
that i love playing mario kart.
that musicals get me excited.
that darren hayes may be the best artist ever.
that i sometimes dance when i am on my own.
that i used to have anorexia.
that i am scared of being alone.
that i read perezhilton.com.
that i play hangman online when i am bored.
that i am always drawing wacky cartoon animals.
i know now that it is all these little things that complete the picture, that make me the person who is different from the next.
i've faced myself, embraced myself, and will chase the self that is around the corner, ready to be in all it's entirety.
once upon a time, everything i did was governed by what was said to be cool, what the social 'norm' was.
but now, i have broken free.
i don't care anymore what other people think of me, and i have come to embrace my little complexities that make me who i am.
the thing i have realised is, that when you recognise, and come to love, all your little quirks, people can see how happy you are about them, and then suddenly everything you do is cool.
i can admit everything about myself, and it is so refreshing.
i can admit that i love to read both trashy books, and history.
that i have tried an internet dating website.
that i love playing mario kart.
that musicals get me excited.
that darren hayes may be the best artist ever.
that i sometimes dance when i am on my own.
that i used to have anorexia.
that i am scared of being alone.
that i read perezhilton.com.
that i play hangman online when i am bored.
that i am always drawing wacky cartoon animals.
i know now that it is all these little things that complete the picture, that make me the person who is different from the next.
i've faced myself, embraced myself, and will chase the self that is around the corner, ready to be in all it's entirety.
tangled.
written may 4.
boys, why are you so confusing?
jessie, why are you so indecisive?
and on a side note;
perth, why are you so fake?
boys, why are you so confusing?
jessie, why are you so indecisive?
and on a side note;
perth, why are you so fake?
step into the light.
written saturday may 3.
life is so much more intricate than you sometimes realise.
winding through the tunnels of the world, i have glimpsed some incredible, and terrible things.
sometimes when you are so consumed within something, it is hard to see it for what it really is. take a step back, and you see the truth.
i honestly think that i have learnt more about life, and emotions, and myself in this last month than i ever have before. i have been given a fresh start, a new chance, to construct the world i want to live in, and the life i want to lead.
i believe we all have a path that is decided, mapped out, before it unravels. i believe everything will happen for a reason, and you can't really control situations, as you always do what you are supposed to do, what has already been predicted.
the best way to live is without regret, and that is exactly how i feel right now. i wouldn't change anything that has happened. though i can't help but love and care, i don't want my past as my future, and realising that has been the most empowering thing that has ever happened to me. for the first time in my life i can see things, and people, for what they really are. i can see through the fakeness that has come to consume so many of those around me, and understand what i could not understand before.
i don't hate. i will not harbour any negativity. at the end of the day, if that is the part that someone else wants to play, so be it. i will be left knowing that i have been the best person that i can be, and that is ultimately fulfilling.
is this happiness? i am not sure. it is definitely contentment, and certainty. things feel so right for me just where i am at the moment. i can look back, and smile, and not want what used to be at all.
the happiness is sure to come soon enough. but even if perfection never manifests itself for me, these bursts of amazement, this rapturous feeling, this newfound knowledge, will be more than enough.
it all fits. just like a puzzle. it's not complete, no, but with each piece it becomes greater and wiser and more colourful.
it just all works.
life is so much more intricate than you sometimes realise.
winding through the tunnels of the world, i have glimpsed some incredible, and terrible things.
sometimes when you are so consumed within something, it is hard to see it for what it really is. take a step back, and you see the truth.
i honestly think that i have learnt more about life, and emotions, and myself in this last month than i ever have before. i have been given a fresh start, a new chance, to construct the world i want to live in, and the life i want to lead.
i believe we all have a path that is decided, mapped out, before it unravels. i believe everything will happen for a reason, and you can't really control situations, as you always do what you are supposed to do, what has already been predicted.
the best way to live is without regret, and that is exactly how i feel right now. i wouldn't change anything that has happened. though i can't help but love and care, i don't want my past as my future, and realising that has been the most empowering thing that has ever happened to me. for the first time in my life i can see things, and people, for what they really are. i can see through the fakeness that has come to consume so many of those around me, and understand what i could not understand before.
i don't hate. i will not harbour any negativity. at the end of the day, if that is the part that someone else wants to play, so be it. i will be left knowing that i have been the best person that i can be, and that is ultimately fulfilling.
is this happiness? i am not sure. it is definitely contentment, and certainty. things feel so right for me just where i am at the moment. i can look back, and smile, and not want what used to be at all.
the happiness is sure to come soon enough. but even if perfection never manifests itself for me, these bursts of amazement, this rapturous feeling, this newfound knowledge, will be more than enough.
it all fits. just like a puzzle. it's not complete, no, but with each piece it becomes greater and wiser and more colourful.
it just all works.
it wasn't just any night.
written april 26.
she had the most amazing night ever.
she couldn't remember feeling happier, or freer.
she played cards with old and new friends.
she ate fairy bread.
she had some interesting conversations with some nice girls.
she met some even nicer boys.
she was bought drinks she hadn't tried before.
she met an elephant trainer and a reptile keeper.
she danced like the night would never end.
she discussed music and mused over life.
she wandered through the dark city as it wound down after another hectic day.
she was given a cardigan by a boy to keep her from the cold.
she held hands and felt safe.
she was at her friend's house by 6am.
she slept in a single bed for the first time in a long time.
and 3 hours later she went home and watched bjork on tv;
too exhausted to think, too happy to care.
she was captured, tantalised, by all her experiences of the night.
she was in an ultimate state of rapture, and she still hasn't left.
happyhappyhappy ^^
she couldn't remember feeling happier, or freer.
she played cards with old and new friends.
she ate fairy bread.
she had some interesting conversations with some nice girls.
she met some even nicer boys.
she was bought drinks she hadn't tried before.
she met an elephant trainer and a reptile keeper.
she danced like the night would never end.
she discussed music and mused over life.
she wandered through the dark city as it wound down after another hectic day.
she was given a cardigan by a boy to keep her from the cold.
she held hands and felt safe.
she was at her friend's house by 6am.
she slept in a single bed for the first time in a long time.
and 3 hours later she went home and watched bjork on tv;
too exhausted to think, too happy to care.
she was captured, tantalised, by all her experiences of the night.
she was in an ultimate state of rapture, and she still hasn't left.
happyhappyhappy ^^
faraway voice
written april 21.
what's it like to be heard?
do you still hum the old melodies?
do you wish people listened?
----------------------------------------
i sung today.
properly, for the first time in weeks.
i let everything that has happened in recent times out, and bared my soul.
and it was magic.
i don't think i can express myself any better than through song.
it lets me release.
in one moment, everything that hung over me faded away, and it was simply me and my voice. and that is really the most priceless experience one can have.
it was honest, and raw, and i was at one with myself.
i realised emotions that i had not yet brought out; i put the hurt and loneliness with the music, and turned it into something else - understanding and acceptance.
i will be on stage again in a few weeks, and i am dying to show the world how i feel.
i am growing, and moving, and learning, and it is only making me better.
and you know what?
maybe, just maybe, i am getting a glimpse of who i will be in the near future.
stronger. electric. mesmerising.
jessie.
--------------------------------------------------
and i will walk with you on a summer's day,
and i will talk to you though you're faraway
and we'll sing through the years...
do you still hum the old melodies?
do you wish people listened?
----------------------------------------
i sung today.
properly, for the first time in weeks.
i let everything that has happened in recent times out, and bared my soul.
and it was magic.
i don't think i can express myself any better than through song.
it lets me release.
in one moment, everything that hung over me faded away, and it was simply me and my voice. and that is really the most priceless experience one can have.
it was honest, and raw, and i was at one with myself.
i realised emotions that i had not yet brought out; i put the hurt and loneliness with the music, and turned it into something else - understanding and acceptance.
i will be on stage again in a few weeks, and i am dying to show the world how i feel.
i am growing, and moving, and learning, and it is only making me better.
and you know what?
maybe, just maybe, i am getting a glimpse of who i will be in the near future.
stronger. electric. mesmerising.
jessie.
--------------------------------------------------
and i will walk with you on a summer's day,
and i will talk to you though you're faraway
and we'll sing through the years...
who would have thought?
written april 16.
It is here I find myself.
Poised on the cusp of what is, what can be, and the infinite unknown.
The world seems full of intense possibility. It is seeping into my pores, making me feel alive and strong, like I have never felt before.
In the silver shadows, I am radiating.
They say that when one door closes, another opens.
Well, as generic as it sounds, I feel like 20 have opened for me. I feel like all that I have ever wanted, and all that I could ever dream to be, are notions right here at my fingertips. A mere reach away, I am more ready than ever to jump and see where the fall takes me.
I feel more empowered than I ever have in my life. I feel like I have lost nothing, and gained everything. Though I am still finding myself and defining who I am, I am already amazed at what I have found. I am becoming that person I always wanted to be. Step by step, action by action, things are changing.
I have felt felt so much in 2 weeks after feeling almost numb for what has felt like a lifetime. I have felt real sparks, and I have felt a fire within me. I have felt the sea air whipping my hair across my face. I have felt the limitless possibility that comes with watching a sunset. I have felt the happy disillusionment of having one too many. I have felt dew on grass.
It takes dire times for you to realise what your life actually consists of. And that may be for the better, or for the worse. In my case, is has been for the productive, the wanted, and the amazement.
I have already met some incredible people who I feel are already impacting upon my life more than they know it. And then there are the ones who were always there, but who I would never have known I could draw such strength from.
I have opened my eyes at the world, and I am looking upon a world full of colour and shape. Though the light is still flickering into a state it feels comfortable with, I am confident that no matter what happens, I will truly be ok.
I am ready to embrace all that is on my own. I want to explore, I want adventure, I want love, and I want fireworks, and I am beginning to find all these things within my self.
I don't need anyone to complete me.
I don't need anyone to save me.
And really, who would have thought?
Poised on the cusp of what is, what can be, and the infinite unknown.
The world seems full of intense possibility. It is seeping into my pores, making me feel alive and strong, like I have never felt before.
In the silver shadows, I am radiating.
They say that when one door closes, another opens.
Well, as generic as it sounds, I feel like 20 have opened for me. I feel like all that I have ever wanted, and all that I could ever dream to be, are notions right here at my fingertips. A mere reach away, I am more ready than ever to jump and see where the fall takes me.
I feel more empowered than I ever have in my life. I feel like I have lost nothing, and gained everything. Though I am still finding myself and defining who I am, I am already amazed at what I have found. I am becoming that person I always wanted to be. Step by step, action by action, things are changing.
I have felt felt so much in 2 weeks after feeling almost numb for what has felt like a lifetime. I have felt real sparks, and I have felt a fire within me. I have felt the sea air whipping my hair across my face. I have felt the limitless possibility that comes with watching a sunset. I have felt the happy disillusionment of having one too many. I have felt dew on grass.
It takes dire times for you to realise what your life actually consists of. And that may be for the better, or for the worse. In my case, is has been for the productive, the wanted, and the amazement.
I have already met some incredible people who I feel are already impacting upon my life more than they know it. And then there are the ones who were always there, but who I would never have known I could draw such strength from.
I have opened my eyes at the world, and I am looking upon a world full of colour and shape. Though the light is still flickering into a state it feels comfortable with, I am confident that no matter what happens, I will truly be ok.
I am ready to embrace all that is on my own. I want to explore, I want adventure, I want love, and I want fireworks, and I am beginning to find all these things within my self.
I don't need anyone to complete me.
I don't need anyone to save me.
And really, who would have thought?
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