Morality and oneself.

On average, I lose myself twice a year.
I'm getting better, but even so, there are times when I forget where I am going and the person I'm striving to be. I'll always know who I am fundamentally, but sometimes I find myself changing in a way that does not fit the path I envisaged, making choices that I won't be proud of in the future.

In this instance, my loss has spanned over some recent months. I'm not sure where it began exactly, but my displacement has cost me much and given me little. And it's time to stop.
Maybe it occurred as a result of too much happening around me, I don't know. Too much pressure, too much responsibility, too many expectations beating down on me.

My greatest downfall is others. I am so consumed with trying to keep other people happy that I never actually manage to. I always seem to be faced with two choices, and neither ever lead to favourable outcomes. Why is this? Is it because I put myself in situations that I can't possibly win? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my relationships, and, indeed, my own happiness? The thing is, the way I am going is the only way I know. How can one compete with that?

I can't run back through the trail of the past and take the other fork in the road. Sometimes I wish I could, but then I wonder if I'd just take the same route over and over again, given my chance. Maybe I can't avoid disappointing and hurting others when I'm lost.
It doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I am sorry. So sorry.
And to myself - I'll start getting better now.
I'll start re-defining and exploring once again. I'll carve out happiness in my own way, and be genuinely proud of my accomplishments. I'll be what I can to everyone around me, and love him with all of my heart, to be as cliched as possible.

Sometimes I worry how close I am to the edge.
But I'll always stop myself when my feet knock some stray pebbles over.
I need to know what's going to happen next; good or bad.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I'm still here.